Vestige
by eloquentfever
Summary: S03 set. On Halloween night, Kurt Hummel ends up being alone in the Lima Bean for the night. He rethinks his relationship with Blaine, and ends up being disrupted by Sebastian. At first, their conversation is as typical as it gets …but quickly, it takes a stranger route and Kurt realises he really doesn't know Sebastian at all. Warning for character death, suicide & touchy topics.
1. Pale

Summary: S03 set. On Halloween night, Kurt Hummel ends up being alone in the Lima Bean for the night. He rethinks his relationship with Blaine, and ends up being disrupted by Sebastian. At first, their conversation is as typical as it gets …but quickly, it takes a stranger route and Kurt realises he really doesn't know Sebastian at all. Warning for character death and suicide.

* * *

Chapter One

_Pale_

* * *

When he'd been younger, Kurt Hummel had grown up with the idea that Halloween was his favourite holiday.

It seemed strange, but there was something about wearing another skin for the night that made him feel somewhat safe. He could cake his face in make-up and rather than being seen as androgynous or feminine, it was seen as creativity. There was something behind hiding behind masks and coming home with a barrel of candy to dissolve his sorrow in that was just so _uplifting_.

As the days had gone by, all this euphoria seemed to ebb away what with tonight's Halloween being the worst he'd had in such a long time.

For one, his only date that Halloween night involved a thick Chemistry book and a spiral green-coloured notebook he seemed to always carry around with him on school days. He'd bought his rucksack as well.

There was no dressing up tonight, not even in the Kurt fashion. He supposed he wasn't truly dressed as Kurt either. Flashy, flamboyant clothing was traded for what was essentially dark skinny jeans and a maroon hoodie. His hair was completely askew. His skin was grey and his eyes had light circles underneath them from the sleepless nights he'd been faced with the past week.

He didn't look like himself at all. Mercedes had taken pity on him and said she'd skip the party if he wasn't going, but he'd told her not to do that and he'd honestly meant it. It wasn't that he was friendless. It was simply that Blaine's words were etching at his mind, casting mirrors and shadows when he wasn't looking so he was faced with them every single waking moment.

It wasn't that Blaine had said anything wrong. All of the faults that Blaine had pointed out were true. _Well, Kurt, I don't know how to break it to you but you're not very 'real'…_ and Kurt knew immediately what he was talking about. His dolled up figures, his mask of dictionaries and words, of facts and fable. Kurt didn't know how to be 'real' however. He knew Blaine had pointed out a legitimate fault in him.

He was the stereotype, a character that seemed to only exist in fable and fiction—a victim that was created by a lazy author that couldn't think of anything better than oh so to stick to the general definition of 'gay'.

He'd not known why it had been bothering him. However, Kurt fought back at the time. They'd yelled and lashed out, saying things they didn't mean and that were stupid. They'd both realise it quite soon, but then, Kurt hadn't run to his phone and apologised to Blaine yet.

Fake…Kurt was playing the whole scenario in his head, again and again. There was nothing 'real' or concrete as far as he was concerned. Their whole relationship seemed like a fairy tale, one that floated on ideals of reality rather than reality itself. There was something about it that Kurt was missing, or was blinded to.

He was too in love with Blaine to see the faults that he carried. Sometimes, he wanted to see them. Sometimes, he didn't. This was one of the time where he was speculating Blaine as a persona.

He wondered if he was happy. He wondered how their relationship was right now. Needy, that was what it was. Desperate…lacking somewhat, but fulfilling in another aspect. He didn't know how to expect it. It was like being sick of taste but not physically full off consumption. There was something that was deeply unsatisfying with Blaine. Even now, in the midst of a fight, he could not see it.

And here, Kurt was, a green-red colourblind male attempting to distinguish between the oh so clear red and green. Sometimes, he wanted to ask people, but the New Directions were hopeless sometimes when it came to such questions and speculations.

Rachel was quick to judge. She was adamant that they were there for one another. Kurt didn't want to break up with Blaine, but there was a hole missing in their relationship—something that he needed to touch on, for a feeling of fulfilment.

He'd just ordered his coffee, and he'd sat down on a table all by himself. The Lima Bean was just as empty as Kurt thought it would be at this time of night. He'd seen an overweight blonde just leave carrying a toddler and a small full-fat macchiato.

He was humming to himself, and sipping his latte. He felt angry at his inability to figure out this whole relationship issue. He'd been speculating to himself for a fifteen minute period, and he'd gotten nowhere. Kurt looked around the café – it was completely and utterly empty.

Even the cashier seemed to take a break. He could hear her chattering and twittering over the phone.

Somehow, even in this miraculous silence, Kurt Hummel didn't hear Sebastian Smythe walk into the café. He didn't see him wandering towards the counter to look over at different types off in a near nostalgic manner. He'd been wearing quite an odd costume – that of a shirt and jeans combination, that was so completely drenched in fake blood that had dried on. He was wearing a beanie, which was slightly unusual for Sebastian.

Kurt didn't care what the situation was. There was something hilarious about seeing Sebastian trudging barefoot in jeans and a shirt, drenched in fake blood to appear as either a zombie or a ghost. Kurt snorted and tried not to laugh.

Apparently, Sebastian caught the noise and had spotted Kurt. He moved towards the Ohio native with a smirk that seemed to be permanently plastered on his face.

"Oh, this is _pathetic_," Sebastian called out, shaking his head. "No Halloween plans for sad little Hummel? I mean I'm equally as pathetic, but I'm known to be a friendless asshole. Now, you, Hummel, with all his ickle friends…are you going to end up singing about your misery at some point during the night and possibly end up rekindling with your friends through another inappropriately timed song?"

Kurt sighed. So, this really was the worst night of his life. He took a sip of the latte in his hand. "Sebastian, I'm trying to think. Your comments about what I do in my spare time is frustrating me to no end."

Sebastian laughed, and it was the kind of laugh that sent shivers down Kurt's bone because it just felt empty to him. He'd looked up to see Sebastian stare at him with crazed, green eyes as if he'd eaten the last biscuit from the biscuit tin and nobody had caught him doing it.

"And you telling me that my comments are frustrating you is supposed to make me stop commenting?" Sebastian knitted his eyebrows, offering a Kurt of mock thought.

Kurt sighed once more, and played with the sleeve of his jacket. "Why are you tormenting me? Doesn't the elusive Sebastian Smythe have nothing better to do than spend his nights in some disgusting, local café that sells overpriced coffee?"

"Could say the same to you," Sebastian snorted, sitting down just opposite of Kurt. They were just at the corner of an empty coffee shop. They were practically alone together. Kurt realised that Sebastian wasn't leaving any time soon.

"So, you said you were thinking—what about?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow this time.

Kurt wondered if his blood pressure was going to be spontaneously high at the end of the night. A force drove him to answer Sebastian's question. "Blaine and I," he announced. "I don't know what's wrong with our relationship."

Sebastian snorted. "Easy. He's got an ass made of gold and you're not using it enough," he announced, playing with the ring on his finger.

Kurt shot Sebastian an icy glare. "Oh, believe me, I do use as much as I would like to," at that, he allowed himself to appear self-satisfied. Sebastian looked disturbed at the thought. Kurt continued to make his point. "I mean, that there is some sort of spiritualistic part of the relationship that I'm not getting, something that is obviously there but simply because I'm blinded by Blaine's glory, I can't see."

Sebastian moved slightly forward. "Easy," he announced again.

"Well?" Kurt waited for another cheap ass comment. "If you're going to tell me about how Blaine and I should break up just so you can get your smarmy hands on Blaine then…"

"My hands are not fucking _smarmy_," Sebastian snorted. "Cold, but not smarmy."

Kurt noted that Sebastian was honestly attempting to derail the actual topic. Sebastian's eyes had gone from a hard green to a much softer tone. He looked…caught, as if Kurt had figured it all out and could see straight through a façade that Sebastian had built up.

"And yes, you should break up with Blaine," Sebastian spat out. "And yes, it is so that I could get my 'smarmy' hands on him."

Kurt noted the change in Sebastian's tone of voice. "You're hiding something."

"Aren't we all hiding something, Hummel?" he was close to shaking. His eyes had all but gone hard again. "It's fucking Halloween night and we, of all people, are alone. Everyone has their fucking plans. I just want to go home and sit by a fire and hold my fat cat."

"You have a cat?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.

Sebastian laughed. "A very fat cat," he announced. "I named him after you."

"You asshole!" Kurt had clenched his hands, noting that Sebastian had practically implied that he was very fat. "At least I'm not dressed in _that_. I do not know how you've managed to get without anyone making fun of you for one."

Kurt breathed in, feeling his blood boil. "Why do you do this to me? Can you and I not have one civil conversation together? I was telling you about something that was honestly bothering me. I was confiding in you. It really does bother me that there may be something in Blaine and I's relationship that I just can't see. I wanted a proper response from you. Forgive me for expecting you to provide me with _some decency_ or to _pity me_ at least—"

Sebastian had cut off Kurt. "Will you shut the fuck up? I'm sick and tired of your stupid sob story."

Kurt could feel his face heating up with rage. "Fine," he finally said, crossing his arms over his chest in a near immediate response.

He honestly wondered why Sebastian didn't have plans on Halloween night. He suspected that Scandals was still open. This night fell on a Friday, and thus, this might easily mean drinking for Sebastian. However, here Sebastian was, devoid of drink, perfectly content with spending the night away with Kurt.

This seemed wrong…and at the same time, it wasn't wrong enough for either of them to leave.

Kurt looked over at Sebastian's face. His facial expression was unreadable. They kept on glancing at each other quite awkwardly. None of them was making a movement to leave. Kurt had sipped on one of his lattes, before sighing deeply.

"I can't handle this," Kurt announced. "I cannot handle the silence."

But yet again, the silence resumed. It filled the air, and it burned Kurt's lungs. He oh so hated the silence, more than anything else. He'd hated the way the sounds seemed to scream at him.

Kurt bit on his lower lip, trying to think of a topic he could discuss with Sebastian. "Why aren't you at home? I suppose most families are more traditional than mine. The only person in my house now is my stepmother, and I'm still incredibly awkward around her thus don't want to spend a whole night with her. I…"

Apparently, this question was more unpleasant for Sebastian than Kurt asking him what was so wrong with Blaine and Kurt's relationship that Kurt was so blind to. "You're not happy with Blaine."

It was a statement, said oh so clearly. Kurt stared at Sebastian for some time and then burst into laughter.

"Who told you that I am _not_ happy with Blaine?" he looked over and noted that the cashier had returned to count money and was glancing at Kurt as if he was a maniac. He supposed that he was a little loud but he didn't understand the woman's gaze. He ignored it.

Sebastian didn't seem to offer a snarky reply. "You did."

Kurt looked at Sebastian for a few moments, shocked at his statement but at the same time, intrigued at what he might've meant. At the same time, he was also furious because Sebastian was making accusations about Kurt when he just about barely knew Kurt.

Sebastian seemed to look down at the table, not meeting Kurt's eyes. Kurt took this as a sign that whatever Sebastian was going to reply was going to be from the heart, rather from hatred. "You're unhappy with him, so you're trying to find an excuse for why things are wrong when it's right in front of your eyes. There's _nothing_ wrong with Blaine. It's always been _you_ that was the problem... you're stupider than I thought."

Kurt wanted to respond to that, but it felt like Sebastian's analysis made more sense to him than anything he did say for some time now. It definitely hurt the first time that Sebastian had said it out loud. He knew they were drifting away. He knew that much, and he knew that they were still clinging.

But perhaps, because they were clinging onto each other so desperately, that it was worth it? Or were they chasing a ghost of rekindled love? A ghost that never was theirs to feast their eyes upon.

"And where did you concoct this theory of yours from?" Kurt asked, his voice colder than intended.

Sebastian didn't seem to flinch at the ice in Kurt's voice. "It's not a theory. It's a _fact_."

"You're dodging the question," in fact, Sebastian had been dodging questions since the beginning of the conversation. Kurt wondered why that was. He looked over at Sebastian's facial expression. Why was it so hard for Sebastian to admit that Kurt was distressed over the relationship? That he was unhappy? There was something more to it. "Tell me."

Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat. "Because I fucking saw it happen before, alright?"

"With who? With _you_?" Kurt asked, only for Sebastian to burst out into laughter. Kurt had noticed the cashier had gone off again.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "You're joking, right?" he asked, as if it was an actual question. "Like I'd be in a relationship with some asshole that was unhappy with me or that I was unhappy with. I'm not that stupid, Hummel."

"Then who?" Kurt asked, voice more adamant this time.

Sebastian's smirk seemed to disappear. "My Mother," he pursed his lips.

"And _why_ was that so hard for you to admit?" yet again, Kurt could feel that there was more to the story. He didn't doubt Sebastian's answer due to how brief he was – how much he wanted to close the conversation. "I just wish you'd tell me and feed my curiosity."

"Schrodinger's cat was stupid enough to look at the gunpowder and he exploded," Sebastian spat out coldly. "Be fucking careful what you wish for, Hummel, or…"

"Just answer the question." Kurt announced.

Sebastian looked at Kurt. His hard features still intact as he asked, "What are you dressed as?"

"Nothing," Kurt announced. "What are you dressed as?"

Sebastian looked at his clothing, as if for the first time in a while. He then looked back up at Kurt. "A ghost," he explained, crossing his legs.

"A real shit one you must admit," Kurt tapped against the table as he smirked. "Just answer the question," he reinforced once more. He noticed that he was to be home in an hour or so.

Sebastian didn't say anything for a while. Kurt noticed a certain weakness fill Sebastian's eyes, a kind of vulnerability he'd never been exposed to before his eyes hardened and he burst out into laughter.

"You're really gullible, Hummel," Sebastian announced after some bit. "I'm an adopted boy by the way. I don't know or have never seen my real parents and I don't give a fuck either."

"I'm sure they recognised evil when they saw it, so they decided to keep you as far away as possible from them," just as Kurt said it, he realised just how coldhearted he actually sounded and nearly wanted to apologise to Sebastian for it. However, Sebastian seemed unaffected by it.

Sebastian stared at Kurt for some time, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't you wonder how your real parents are like?" Kurt couldn't help but ask.

Sebastian shook his head. "Nope," he sounded like he meant it too. Somehow, Kurt's realisation of the fact that Sebastian had once been a boy that lived in an orphanage made him somewhat interested. It seemed like it was impossible, considering how lavish Sebastian's life was currently. It just felt like there had never been a struggle with him.

Kurt looked at Sebastian for some time. There seemed to be something playing on his mind, because he kept on looking at the table in some sort of maudlin thought.

"And if I was unhappy in Blaine and I's relationship?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Why do you care about my happiness? I believe that it is a decent human trait, but I've not seen you act decent in my life. Why should I believe you?"

Sebastian looked back at Kurt. "You think too much, Hummel."

"Where did your unhappiness theory come from? You told me you never met your Mother, and surely, have spent the last half hour playing around with me," Kurt announced. Sebastian was _right_ to some extent.

Kurt was feeling empty. Kurt was unhappy with Blaine's relationship. In fact, he'd tried to digest the idea when the silence had left them to their thoughts a long time ago. He'd not accepted it, but he was using this time to fairly come to terms with it.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "I recognised human emotion. You're upset. It's obvious. That's all there is to it, Hummel. Do you really have to make every little fucking thing seem like it came from my past? Hell, even if I was a spineless coward of a person, do you think I'd admit to you? Of all the fucking people in the universe. You really don't know shit."

Kurt knew Sebastian had a point, but he continued to intrude. He knew that throughout the conversation – some parts of it seemed to prod on soft spots. Perhaps, Kurt would just get lucky tonight. "Perhaps, I really don't know shit. Forgive me. I didn't know you knew how to recognise human emotion considering all the crap you've managed to pull."

"So?" Sebastian scoffed. "It doesn't mean I don't recognise human emotion, Hummel. I felt all the kind of shit you've felt too."

"That's incredibly hard to believe," Kurt declared, only to add on. "Considering anyone that would feel at thing would have the decency to apologise after he nearly blinds his crush…oh, by the way, I'm not stupid. That slushie was meant for me, which was lovely information for me. You loathed me enough to think about _blinding_ me."

Sebastian shrugged. "And?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Doesn't prove your point. Doesn't mean that I didn't feel bad afterwards. It's just a case of my ego is bigger than my guilt."

"You must have one hell of an ego then," Kurt reinforced the idea once more.

"You don't know shit about me, Hummel," Sebastian restated, placing a hand on his knee. Somehow, Kurt was suddenly aware of how pale Sebastian was.

Kurt had decided to mention it. "You look pale."

"I _am_ pale," Sebastian commented. Kurt wanted to interject – Kurt was pale as well, but he was not pale enough to look ashen and grey.

Kurt leaned forward, and then was just about to place a hand on Sebastian's hand. He'd never made contact with Sebastian before. Somehow, just as Kurt brushed his hand against Sebastian's skin, the taller male had just stood up in alert.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Who gave you permission to touch me? Gross, Hummel. Now I'll have cooties," Sebastian was enthralled, which in turn made Kurt angry.

Sebastian's skin was freezing from that particular quick brush. It was cold outside, incredibly so, so he didn't give it a second thought. He just glared at Sebastian, standing up himself to look at the French boy's facial expression.

"Will you please act civil for one?" Kurt snapped, his voice high with anger.

"I thought I wasn't the problem. It's the empty gaping hole in you and Blaine's relationship. You have everything I could've ever wanted and you aren't even fucking happy with it, are you?" Sebastian snarled, his eyes looking dangerously overwrought. "And you expect me to sit around and listen to you bitch about it?"

Kurt continued to shoot an icy glare at Sebastian's frame. He noticed the shaking again, but decided not to question it. Sebastian seemed to be allergic to people caring about him anyway. "I hate you," Kurt suddenly announced. "I really hate you."

"Enough to want me dead?" Sebastian asked.

Somehow, the question had thrown Kurt off his balance completely. "Excuse…excuse me?" the brunette asked.

Sebastian had turned around, fixing his blood-covered beanie before he placed his hands into his pockets. It wouldn't have elicited a response at any other point in time, but for some reason, this time it did. Kurt had stood up and followed Sebastian outside, leaving his cold coffee order on the table.

"Following me, Hummel?" Sebastian was looking back at Kurt, looking paler by the moment.

"Why ask that question?" Kurt just wanted an answer to that. It seemed that Sebastian wasn't going to give him that answer. The taller male just gestured for Kurt to follow."I don't want to play games, Sebastian."

"This isn't a game," there was that vulnerability again, resurfacing. His voice sounded scratchy. It just sounded wrong, to see Sebastian so vulnerable because Sebastian wasn't _vulnerable_.

Kurt had followed Sebastian. He ended up in a bus and they sat in the back together. It was silence, but a kind of silence that was acceptable. It was the kind of silence that was filled with anxiety and shifty glances. Kurt had never been so afraid to where Sebastian was leading him.

A small part of him believed it was a ploy. A bigger part of him was feeling sick, because Sebastian looked solemn for once in his life.

_Hey_, Blaine had texted him. _I'm sorry. It was a stupid fight and we shouldn't have let it get to us like this. _

Kurt looked at the text. Usually, this would be the point of rejoicing for him and Blaine. _It's okay._

_I didn't go out tonight either. I couldn't. _Somehow, that knowledge made Kurt smile just a bit more. _Can you come over tonight?_

_I'm a little tired, _Kurt lied. _I've not been sleeping fairly well._

_Oh,_ Kurt knew it was believable as he'd been walking around with dark circles under his eyes. _Okay then. Sleep well, Kurt. I love you._

Kurt didn't respond to that at all. He just stared at the screen, not sure that he was happy or not anymore. He was just so comfortable with Blaine. He looked back at Sebastian, whom seemed to be focusing more on wherever he was leading them.

Sebastian got off the bus and gestured to Kurt to continue following him, and Kurt had. He wondered if they were going to walk for long. Kurt had noted that Sebastian was leading him to his house. Of course, everyone knew where the elusive and rich Smythe lived. Kurt had only associated the road with Sebastian. Kurt had wondered why he was trusting Sebastian enough to lead him anywhere really. He just had a bad feeling about all of this.

The gates were open, causing Kurt to raise an eyebrow.

"Is your Father home?" Kurt asked, wondering if he should've added 'adoptive' Father now.

Sebastian shook his head. "My Dad doesn't come home unless it's a holiday," he snorted. "He's too fucking busy."

Kurt noted how nervous Sebastian was. His hands were shaking again and somehow, he was growing paler by the second. Kurt decided not to mention it, and just followed Sebastian into the household. When Kurt walked inside, he noted that the household lights were open.

Sebastian had gestured again, making Kurt follow him upstairs.

"This better not be a game," he knew Sebastian had already ensured that it wasn't.

"Will you just shut the fuck up?" Sebastian asked, looking at Kurt. Kurt was immediately shocked by the presence of hot tears filling Sebastian's eyes – he was close to crying, and he didn't know how to feel about this. He looked angry again, and moved towards a room that Kurt had noted was probably his bedroom.

Kurt was quickly hit by a metallic scent – _blood_. Kurt stepped inside and noted that the smell was definitely pungent. There was something else that came with that scent but he didn't know what. Sebastian walked around and seemed to stand in front of his bed.

Kurt followed him again and felt sick when he realised what he was supposed to be looking at. He sat down on the bed, trying to muster up what he was looking at. Or really who.

He was essentially looking at two Sebastian's. One of them was standing in front of him with a somber expression and the other one was lying on the ground with the contents of his brain spilled out, decorating the carpet and a gun on the ground.

The standing Sebastian took off his beanie, only for Kurt to be faced with the same brain injury. Somehow, it just dawned on him that the one that was standing in front of him was essentially not alive. A ghost. Kurt had never believed in the supernatural, but he couldn't deny what was in front of him.

"Other people can't see me, Hummel," Sebastian snorted. "I don't let them."

The cashier had been staring at Kurt weirdly. He'd probably appeared to be talking to himself. The fact that Sebastian had been staring over the counter, as if longing to order but knowing he couldn't. It was the fact that Sebastian seemed to walk into an empty coffee shop, without alerting Kurt's attention at all. He just seemed to pop out of nowhere. Perhaps, that was true. _Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps—_

"Enough to want me dead?" Sebastian whispered his question again.

Kurt was suddenly hit with the reality of the situation. Sebastian was telling him that he had passed away and he'd been asking Kurt if he would've wished for this. Kurt didn't even know what this was. He just knew he could not deny what was in front of him. The standing Sebastian was floating now, above ground and reinforcing the situation for what it truly was.

Kurt's eyes filled and he felt the tears spilling just as quickly as his eyes filled with them. "No."

* * *

_this was previously a one-shot idea, but it'll be a multi-chaptered fanfic. there will be more explanations as we go on obviously. this is probably going to stay Klaine for the fanfic, as i don't know how ghost!Sebastian and Kurt could have a relationship but it is heavily Kurtbastian based friendship here. we're going to see it forming and blossoming soon. :)_

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam _


	2. Pain

Chapter Two

_Pain_

* * *

When Kurt's eyes filled, he couldn't stop crying. He'd buckled down on his knees, sobbing full on as if he'd lost something he'd cared for deeply.

He didn't even know what had been going on. He looked up to see the ghastly Sebastian, but he seemed to disappear. The room was suddenly warmer, but Kurt's blood had run cold. He looked back at the corpse, taking it in for all it was.

Sebastian's skull was cracked open. The contents were spilled out onto the carpet. His face was incredibly white, his carpet covered with his blood. He had been wearing his Dalton uniform. Ties, blazer, belt, trousers, and loafers but everything was soaked in blood.

Everything smelled so potent. The scent was suffocating Kurt, and it was leaving him feeling like he was going to be sick all over the place.

He'd wondered where the ghost had gone, or perhaps, if he'd dreamed of the floating Sebastian. His head was pounding as tears ran down his face. He'd nearly wanted to hug Sebastian's body, the motionless body on the ground that was showing no signs of life.

He knew it was futile, but Kurt looked for a pulse anyway. He wasn't surprised when he couldn't find one.

Kurt reached over to stroke Sebastian's face. His skin was rubbery and thick. The room smelled very strong of blood, so this must had been a while ago. Kurt's stomach sloshed at the thought of the fact that perhaps nobody checked up on Sebastian regularly.

If Kurt had been unresponsive for a few hours to text messages and calls, then everyone around him would assume the worst had happened to him and only be filled with relief (and yes, anger) when realising that that was not the case at all.

He'd placed his hand on Sebastian's shoulder. He'd realised he'd never hugged Sebastian. He didn't know why that mattered. He loathed Sebastian. He was okay with the fact that he might never see the meerkat again a few hours ago, but he suddenly wasn't. There were nights where he'd been angry enough to wish for Sebastian's death.

Somehow, those nights seemed to pop back up in Kurt's mind and he felt himself feeling close to retching.

He felt like this was his fault somehow, like he was the one that had shot Sebastian. Whom would've done something like this to him? Kurt may have dreamed up some lucid plans for revenge, but he'd never thought to kill him. Just the thought made Kurt's chest tighten and his heart ache.

He wanted to call someone. Blaine, Mercedes, Rachel—anyone, but he wouldn't have had a reason to go to Sebastian's house.

He found Sebastian's phone on the table and had slowly crawled to it. Perhaps, he could send a text to Blaine's phone, or one of the Warbler's. Just as Kurt was crawling towards the table, he'd heard a voice from behind him that made him jolt in surprise.

"You touch my phone, Hummel, and I swear that I'll break you."

Kurt turned to look at the floating Sebastian. He was furious and still looked rather weak and exhausted. He'd stopped hovering, returning to the ground. Kurt couldn't stop staring at Sebastian's head injury. It just looked so wrong, and it was just so _real_.

Kurt stopped reaching for the phone and was looking back at the corpse. "I've never hugged you before."

Sebastian was laughing. "Hummel, are you seriously crying over the fact that you've never hugged me before or whatever?" the tone in his voice was light.

Kurt's heart sunk heavy as his body shook from rage. "No! I'm crying over the fact that _you are dead, Sebastian_. You are dead and you will never get to graduate school. You'd-you'd never get to grow up, and mature. You'd never be able to be _alive_."

"So?" Sebastian called out, shrugging. "What do you care?"

Kurt was feeling his blood boil because in a way, Sebastian was implying that Kurt could hate a person enough that he wouldn't care if they dropped dead out of nowhere.

Kurt looked up at Sebastian, his voice dripping with venom as he responded. "Yes, Sebastian, because I'm just so heartless that I spend my nights dreaming of shooting you. I'm so enthusiastic. I'd love to dance on your grave now," just as he responded, his felt his voice slipping away and his throat burning.

His eyes filled again and his hands were shaking. "How…how long have you been…?"

"Dead?" Sebastian snorted. "A week, Hummel."

"_What_?" Kurt's throat was hurting him right now as he put his hand on his mouth. He felt the tears fall down even harder. The excessive crying was making Kurt's head pound all the more. Kurt wondered how much longer it would have taken for Sebastian's body to be discovered if Sebastian didn't lead him here.

Kurt's voice was rough when he spoke again. "What happened? Did you tick off a homicidal maniac?"

Sebastian just glared over at Kurt, obviously not willing to talk about what happened.

"What happened?" Kurt repeated again when Sebastian didn't answer his question. His voice was stronger and clearer then, just to indicate he wanted an answer.

Sebastian kept his gaze steady over at Kurt's face. "If I tell you what happened, then you're not allowed to ask any questions about it, _okay_?" he sounded irritable, as if he just wanted to get it over with.

Kurt nodded his head, unsure if he was ready for the answer.

Sebastian looked down at the ground for a few seconds, snorting to himself as if it was all funny. He then looked up at Kurt's face. It was the most susceptible facial expression he'd ever seen on Sebastian.

"I…" Sebastian looked away from Kurt's face. "I shot myself."

It took a few more seconds for Kurt to digest what Sebastian had just told him. There was no way that Sebastian would have lied about it. There was no way that Sebastian would attempt to make himself weak and vulnerable. It actually happened. Sebastian had attempted to take his own life—no, wait. He succeeded at taking his own life. What Kurt was observing was the shards of a suicide mission.

Kurt was panting when he'd realised that. He felt like the very breath of him had been knocked out. "No," he whispered, as if it was impossible for Sebastian to have killed himself.

He looked back up at Sebastian, noting that Sebastian still wasn't meeting Kurt's eyes. Kurt wanted to ask why, but he realised that even if he did, Sebastian had made it quite adamant that he wouldn't answer any questions related to it. He looked back at the corpse. _Sebastian did this to himself_—the thought simply wasn't registering to Kurt's mind.

It made him feel like he didn't know Sebastian. Well, that was just it. He didn't know Sebastian Smythe at all.

He could not help but feel an abnormal sense of guilt weighing him down. He felt no more tears filling his eyes, but his nose was stuffed and his head was still pounding dully.

"I'm going to have to call _someone_, Sebastian," he tried to reason with a ghost.

Sebastian didn't look too happy about it.

Kurt was sitting on his knees, looking at the body. He'd become more accustomed to it now, but the night's events was still a heavy load on his back. "I'll let you choose," he suddenly called out, hoping it would make a difference. "I promise I'll call whomever you tell me to, but it has to be _someone_."

"I hate you," Sebastian lamely spat out.

Kurt rolled his eyes. Sebastian was being childish, but he could understand why he wouldn't want to call anyone. Calling someone would mean subjecting them to the sight. He'd wondered if Sebastian would tell Kurt to call Blaine, and the thought made him regret his earlier statement.

He didn't know if he could lie to Blaine about why he was there in Sebastian's house in the first place. The only excuse he could think of was that he'd marched down to give Sebastian a piece of his mind, but had found him dead instead. That didn't paint Kurt in a lovely light, but he was willing to endure the unappealing lie if he'd to.

"Okay," Sebastian had come to terms with it. He sighed deeply. "Call my Dad, Hummel."

Kurt wasn't sure how to react to that one. He was glad Sebastian had picked someone, but was not so sure about phoning Sebastian's Father. He didn't even predict how the parent would react.

Kurt had pulled out his phone, only for Sebastian to recite the number. Kurt remembered thinking to himself that it was a hard to remember number before pushing the call button. He was feeling abnormally nervous and was trying to calm himself down.

"Hello?" he heard a brisk, clear voice.

"Is this Mr Smythe?" Kurt asked, realising how strained his voice was.

"Yes," the man responded fluently. "This is Jean Smythe. How may I help you?"

Kurt just blurted it out, not sure if he could find a way to make it sound less painful than it actually was. "It's your son, Sebastian…he's not been answering any calls for a while so I decided to come to your house and…" he was stammering now, swallowing the lump in his throat. "He's dead. I think he shot himself."

He could hear Sebastian heavily panting just beside him.

There was a period of silence. "I will be home in a while. You stay there, alright?" his voice was maintaining an air of control.

Kurt nearly felt that the man was already in denial either or that he honestly believed that there was no possible way that Sebastian would've done it. He'd shut the phone and looked over to see an angry Sebastian that was floating yet again.

"Why the fuck did you have to tell him I shot myself?" Sebastian looked furious. "_Why_?"

Kurt didn't know how to respond to that. He just sat down on the bed, wondering why Sebastian was so against everyone knowing that this was a successful suicide attempt.

"Just great," Sebastian sounded out, furious. "Just fucking great."

"Maybe if you didn't want anyone to find that this was purely suicide then you wouldn't have…you know, actually done it," Kurt was tired and he didn't even know what he was saying at the point.

He'd watched Sebastian's facial expression change into a more so stunned one.

Kurt was stunned himself at what he'd just said. They waited together, and Kurt looked over at the body. Now, that he was done crying, he could rationally think. The majority of the headache had left him and now, all Kurt wanted was answers to questions that he seemed to constantly ask.

Why would Sebastian Smythe take his own life? It seemed as if things were finally falling into place for him. It had been months after the slushie incident, and the Warblers were alright with Sebastian from what he heard Jeff saying. Jeff had insisted on Sebastian changing into a nicer person, yes, still sarcastic and mean but nicer.

Just as Kurt was lost in his own thoughts, he'd heard walking outside of Sebastian's room. He'd realised that it must have been that Jean had arrived.

"Mr Smythe!" Kurt exclaimed in his loudest voice. "Here!"

He'd heard the footsteps growing closer in his direction. The door had been open and the man grimaced. Kurt looked at Jean, really looked at him and realised that Sebastian actually did not look like his Father at all. The man standing before him was probably his own height, and wore a head of blonde hair. His eyes were blue, nothing like Sebastian's green and he was far more tanned as well.

Jean had strode over to Kurt, his face still apathetic. The younger male had noticed Jean's expression changing as he took in the sight that was just before them.

Jean had practically succumbed to his knees. It looked strange, the businessman that was staining his suit with blood. Jean was shaking quite promptly, staring at Sebastian's body and shaking his head. He'd tried to look for his pulse. It was futile and they both knew it.

"Can you please…um…leave?" Jean's voice was low. "I'm sorry to be rude. It's just—"

"No, no, it's understandable," Kurt nodded his head and stood up. He'd spent too much time with the corpse already, and just wanted to get away. Just as he walked to leave the room, he turned to look at the ghastly Sebastian that was floating. He looked dull and somber.

He wondered if the ghost was going to follow him, but he realised that he probably wouldn't. He felt a compulsion to stand there, waiting for Sebastian to leave.

The second that Kurt had clicked the door shut, he'd heard sobbing. It was loud, and uncontrollable. Kurt's heart practically shattered when he heard it. The sobbing quickly turned to blubbering. The man was simply out of control.

Almost just as Kurt was about to move, Sebastian had materialised in front of him out of nowhere.

Kurt realised that Sebastian really was going to leave with him. He didn't know what to think about that. He just knew that he wanted to go home. He was tired of this and it was all getting far too much for him.

By the time he'd gotten home, he'd just collapsed on his bed. He was aware that Sebastian was floating around in him room. He didn't know if ghosts slept or not, but he thought not.

His thought was proven to be right when he woke up that morning and he'd found that Sebastian was dressed differently – shoes, jeans, a long-sleeved hockey shirt, and another cap on his head to hide his head injury.

He looked angry, and he was trying to hold onto a pencil that was on the table but it seemed to go right through his ghastly fingers. The spirit just got redder at his few attempts at it.

Kurt sat up, realising that last night was not a dream and it had really happened. He realised he'd had to adjust to these living arrangements. Suddenly, he was more than a bit happy that the walls were thick because Kurt and Finn had a habit of singing whenever they wanted, even if it meant three am at night.

Kurt moved towards his closet, yawning. He was proud of himself for adjusting so quickly. He had a ghost in the house and yet, he felt so okay with it. Okay, no, he was still freaking out about it but not as much as last night, so that was a start.

Kurt had leafed through his clothing and picked up a sweater before putting it back. "Why did you decide to show yourself to me?" he suddenly asked, a question that had been on his mind last night.

Sebastian just shrugged. Kurt somewhat believed that.

"I suppose I was just a lucky pick," Kurt concluded, and Sebastian slowly but surely nodded his head. Kurt looked back at him and smiled weakly. He honestly wanted to pry Sebastian open like a locket just to see what was inside, but knew that would be a difficult task.

Kurt picked up another sweater that he was included to wear. It was getting a tad cold, and the sweater was quite warm from what he remembered.

Sebastian decided to change the subject entirely. "What a shitty sweater."

Kurt glared over at Sebastian. "And what do you propose I wear?"

Sebastian moved closer towards Kurt and Kurt felt the coldness instantly. He shuddered, feeling Sebastian's breath on his neck. A spiritual presence that lingered whenever Sebastian seemed to be around.

"What's that?" Sebastian pointed towards a sweater stuffed in the back.

Kurt had reached over to pick it up, a dark blue sweater, plain as it could be. "Satisfied?" Kurt asked, only for Sebastian to nod his head. "Okay, now, please look away so I can change."

"Fat chance," Sebastian called out. "Even if I do 'go away', all I do is become invisible, K. I'm not really gone away. I've never left you since last night."

Kurt wondered what that might've meant, and he felt a little sick thinking that Sebastian was watching him stroke his face, and look for his pulse again and again. He tried to forget about it as hard as he could.

"Did you just call me _K_?" Kurt asked. "Even when you're attempting to be civil, can you not just call me by my first given name?"

Kurt realised that Sebastian was not going to leave the room or spare him any privacy. He took off his shirt, trying to not think of the fact that Sebastian was assessing him with his eyes. He quickly also took off his pants now that he'd had a burst of confidence.

He felt fairly uncomfortable with Sebastian obviously staring at him.

"You know, Hummel," Sebastian began, his eyes on Kurt's frame. "You're not bad looking."

Kurt accepted that as a high compliment coming from Sebastian Smythe. He'd worn the sweater and a pair of jeans, looking in the mirror. Perhaps, simplicity had its own grace. He picked up a white scarf to wrap around his neck, not for cold purpose as much as just to add a nice clash with the dark sweater.

"Stay here," Kurt suddenly said. "Don't come to school with me."

"And do what? Haunt your room?" Sebastian snorted, as if Kurt was joking when he'd told him that he should stay in the room. "Hummel, it's real fucking boring for me to just sit here waiting for you to come back from school. I might just scare your stepmother."

"Don't you dare," Kurt hissed, glaring at him coldly. "And you're a distraction and you know, I actually do go to school to learn. You're staying here. Find something to do, alright?"

Sebastian just somehow made a pillow materialise out of nowhere and tried to hit Kurt with it. It went through him. All Kurt felt was that much colder when the pillow had passed through him.

"Wait, I want to see you eat." Sebastian said.

"Fine," Kurt found that odd. Could Sebastian eat? Well, he didn't think ghosts could consume anything. He didn't know if Sebastian had a functioning digestive system or anything of that liking. He'd always thought that he couldn't touch ghosts, his hand would just go through them but Sebastian was fairly solid.

However, anything Sebastian seemed to conjure up just went through Kurt. He also saw that Sebastian had an ability to touch real life objects. It might explain why Sebastian didn't just show himself to the cashier and ask for the coffee. The cup would just go through him.

Kurt had sat down by the table. He had a good night's sleep despite last night's events. In fact, last night's events just exhausted him.

Kurt had switched on his phone and realised that Blaine had sent him a message about picking him up that morning. Kurt had typed back, agreeing to it. Blaine asked him if he'd slept well. Kurt said that he did, and was glad to think that it wasn't a lie.

Kurt had picked off two chocolate-chip waffles from the centre plate and smothered them in butter and thick syrup. He felt like comfort food currently.

Finn had already finished with one and had washed it down with orange juice.

Sebastian was floating just opposite to Burt. Just as Burt was talking about work to Carole, Sebastian was mimicking his facial expressions like a child would.

Kurt wouldn't lie. He did chuckle here and there. _This_ was exactly why Sebastian couldn't go to school with him.

"I should learn how to read your thoughts," Sebastian said after a while. "I heard that some ghosts can do that."

Kurt only raised his eyebrow, trying not to appear suspicious around the table by talking to a ghost that only he could see. Kurt picked up a pen and wrote on a napkin. _What other ghosts?_

Sebastian had floated towards him, levitating just to see what he'd written before he'd answered Kurt's inquiry. "There are tonnes more ghosts than me, Hummel. I'm not the only person in ever that's died. I've been dead for over a week, remember? I was bored as fuck. I met other ghosts and shit, and they told me that some of them can read minds. Like it's something they learn. Other ones could hold shit from the real world. I can do nothing. Fuck."

Kurt used the napkin to wipe away the syrup as not to appear suspicious about why he was so interested in a napkin. He realised it was going to be proven to be fairly difficult, trying to appear normal to other people whilst still entertaining Sebastian.

He'd left to go to school afterwards, giving Sebastian a pointed look as to tell him to go upstairs.

To be fair, Kurt was sad to see that they were separated. Blaine had come over to pick him up and had offered him flowers to make things better. Kurt didn't feel better just because he had flowers. He felt agitated, because Blaine always did this. Blaine always gave Kurt flowers, and chocolates and expected it to be the end of any argument they'd ever had.

However, Kurt wasn't sure what was more irritating. The fact that Blaine had taken their gestures of romance as a way to get out of arguments they had or the fact that the only time that Blaine had shown him a gesture of romance nowadays was to get out of an argument.

Kurt was playing around with the bouquet and had smiled weakly to himself.

"Whoa, bouquet of roses, real sleazy," Kurt heard a familiar voice from behind. His blood immediately boiled. He'd told Sebastian not to come with him!

He looked back at Sebastian, offering him a glare only for Sebastian to smile. "Come on, Hummel, it's not so bad…"

Kurt didn't say anything to that and just let Sebastian whistle to himself. Blaine had noted Kurt's emotional change. "Are you angry about the roses?" he'd asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, I'm just stressed," Kurt didn't sound like he was happy with anything at the moment.

Blaine looked slightly shocked, but nodded his head. He frowned to himself. "I like your sweater. I've never seen you wear it. It really brings out your eyes."

"Thank you," Kurt said. He could just see Sebastian smiling at that, taking credit for it.

"Simple looks good on you," Blaine reinforced.

"Thank you," Kurt repeated again, his voice a little stressed and dull. He heard Blaine's phone ring and he saw that it was no other than Nick Duval calling. "It's Nick. Do you want me to put him on speaker?"

Blaine nodded his head. Kurt had accepted Nick's call and put him on speaker, leaning backwards.

"_Blaine, Blaine, Blaine_!" Nick sounded horrified, and Kurt suddenly remembered—Sebastian. He and Jean Smythe were the only that knew that Sebastian was dead. He felt his stomach lurch. He looked over at Sebastian. He also felt like this would be about him.

"Nick?" Blaine's voice was alert. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's Sebastian. He's…well, for some time, he hadn't been going to Dalton. From what we'd heard, he'd been sick but yesterday, they found his body, Blaine. He's dead. And from what we know, he shot himself."

Blaine had gone completely silent. He looked incredibly pale.

Sebastian looked slightly shocked when Blaine looked affected by it but had adapted to it quite quickly. Blaine's eyes were filling with tears.

"Oh," he said, his voice weak.

Kurt had cried much during that night, coming to terms with it but even then, he still felt tears prickling at his eyes then. Seeing Blaine's and Nick's reaction somehow made it so real that it just filled him with grief.

They'd gotten to the school parking lot but none of them left the car. Nick was still on the line.

"Do you know _why_ he did it?" Blaine suddenly blurted out.

Kurt hadn't expected an answer, and Sebastian didn't look like he was giving one either.

Somehow, hearing the statement from Sebastian made the tears fall down so much harder from Kurt's cheek. They were going to be late to their first class, but it didn't really matter.

"No," Nick whispered. "They didn't find a note, nothing…I'm pretty sure his Father didn't think it was a suicide either. He thinks someone murdered him but…he was just so sure that Sebastian didn't do it else he'd have left a note."

"No!" Sebastian looked angry now, his eyes were blazing with fury. "I didn't fucking leave a note. And it doesn't mean I didn't off myself, you stupid midget!"

"Why didn't you leave a note?" Kurt had said it in a whisper. His voice had gotten so soft afterwards, but he wanted an answer. He would've risked Blaine asking him about it or hearing his words.

Sebastian just snorted, not answering that question.

Kurt looked back at Blaine whom had looked was thinking. His tear-stained eyes were staring vacantly somewhere. "It makes sense, Kurt," the black-haired male said. "Sebastian wouldn't ever…kill himself. He'd never kill himself. Someone else must've. Sebastian has shady friends and connections. It would…someone else had to."

Sebastian looked sick. Kurt was actually starting to worry for the ghost. "I don't have any shady friends! I don't have any friends period!" Sebastian snapped, his voice cracked and rough.

Kurt wondered how it must have been for Sebastian, to be yelling about his death and Kurt being the only person to hear him. He knew technically Sebastian could make himself show to Blaine, but he didn't.

"I'm going to go to Sebastian's house after school. Are you coming with?" Blaine asked.

Kurt knew if he said no, it would rise suspicion with Blaine so he just nodded his head. He didn't want to seem rude, or heartless. He also did want to see how Jean Smythe was doing. He'd looked back to see Sebastian again.

He looked angry and exhausted. Kurt couldn't blame him. People were doubting that he'd taken his own life when he had, but at the same time, Kurt knew Sebastian hadn't wanted anyone to know. Sebastian was proving to be fairly difficult at the moment.

Blaine opened the door. "We're going to have to skip first period. It's nearly done with."

"It's alright," Kurt said, opening the door and waiting for Sebastian to suddenly appear behind him.

When Kurt had entered the school to go to his locker to get his book, and looked back, seeing that Sebastian was floating there. Kurt rolled his eyes, picking up his notebook and his textbook.

"You should honestly show yourself to Blaine," Kurt said after some time. "If you're so upset about him thinking that—"

"No," Sebastian cut Kurt off. He looked mildly sick. "Hummel, do you know how much energy and effort I have to fucking put in just so _you'd_ see me? Do you?"

Kurt shook his head. It made sense in some ways, but he honestly didn't know why Sebastian was putting up so much effort in order for Kurt to see him when in fact, he was so interested in Blaine when he'd been alive.

"Why are you putting so much effort to see _me_?" Kurt suddenly asked. "Why not Blaine? Why not the Warblers? Why not anyone else?"

Just then, Blaine seemed to come around with a distressed looking Rachel. He bet that there would be more discussion about Sebastian's death. When Blaine and Rachel seemed to appear, Sebastian seemed to disappear. Kurt raised his eyebrow, wondering where Sebastian had gone off to.

Or if he was still there, just not showing himself.

"Kurt? Are you coming?" Blaine asked.

Kurt nodded his head, shut his locker, picked up his rucksack and followed them.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	3. Phone

_Warning for upcoming explicit descriptions of **mental disease**, particularly bipolarity. Also, warnings for **physical and mental abuse**. _

* * *

Chapter Three

_Phone_

* * *

It was a boring, miserable day. Glee club was definitely chattering and twittering on about Sebastian's death during lunch time.

"Kurt and I are going to the Smythe house after," Blaine suddenly sounded out before leaning forward to grab a tissue from the tissue box. "I want to talk to his Father. I have had a feeling that this suicide is more of a murder."

Kurt didn't say anything about it, as he picked off the bacon from his sandwich and offered it to Finn.

Blaine had noticed Kurt's silence and had commented on it a while ago during English. He wondered if he was going to bring it up again. Kurt could only hope not.

"Are you really investigating the poor kid's fucking death now?" Santana hadn't taken up the news well. She'd just been all over the place. "Leave him alone, Anderson. He's just died. Stop feeding your fucking curiosity. What if he really did off himself?"

"Sebastian wouldn't," Blaine was certain, taking a sip from his apple juice. "You don't know Sebastian like I do."

Kurt wondered how hard Blaine had been taking the whole thing. He wondered if he was just forcing himself to believe that Sebastian wouldn't have killed himself, or if he honestly truly believed that Sebastian wouldn't have ever offed himself.

Santana just glared at him icily. She didn't look too happy.

"Did you like Sebastian?" Rachel suddenly asked, considering how cold and harsh she'd been towards Blaine from the beginning of the day.

"No!" Santana explained, her eyes fiery with angry. "I don't like him but I have some fucking respect for anyone whose dead to not go snooping around his death and wonder if he actually offed himself or not. Fine? _Fine_?"

Kurt had to respect Santana for that answer. The whole fact that Sebastian was dead did make him feel sick, and the fact that he knew that it was definitely a suicide made him feel all the more sick. He wondered if anyone else in the Glee club had doubted if Sebastian had offed himself or not. It seemed such a debating topic.

Nobody really _knew_ Sebastian, Kurt could cautiously claim. They didn't know if he'd have or haven't killed himself.

He just wished that Sebastian had kept something, a diary, or a journal, or some shard of evidence of his state of mind when he'd decided to kill himself so that this could all stop. He didn't want this to be a constant debate.

"When's the funeral?" Finn suddenly asked, still looking down at his plate. "We should like…help and stuff."

Finally. Something that actually had relevancy to be said. Kurt nodded his head in agreement with Finn. "We really should. We'll bring it up with Mr Schue after Spanish and hope he has an answer for us tomorrow during Glee."

"Yeah, I'll bring it up," Finn said, sounding awkward.

Kurt had felt a little empty throughout the day without ghost Sebastian being around him. He wasn't sure if Sebastian was around or if he'd actually left Kurt completely.

After lunch was Spanish. The Glee members all took Spanish. Finn was copying off Kurt when they were doing an activity sheet. That was the end of Spanish. Finn was fairly quick to take Kurt's sheet off, and walk to Mr Schue. Kurt looked over at Blaine whom just nodded his head.

During the car ride, things were silent again and Kurt could feel Blaine's suspicions rising.

"You do believe me, right?" Blaine suddenly blurted out. "That it's definitely murder?"

Kurt shrugged before he bit down his lower lip. "Why does it matter to you so much?"

Blaine seemed taken aback by Kurt's question. He was silent for a while, putting his thoughts into perspective before he spoke. "I just hate the thought of someone getting away with killing him. It's just…it's disgusting and unfair and..." Blaine paused for a moment.

"He wouldn't have killed himself. Why would he?" Blaine suddenly spat out.

Kurt had been thinking about it. He knew he definitely did kill himself, confirmed by Sebastian a few times. He wouldn't have lied about it. Sebastian was too prideful to want to have confessed to it.

They'd gotten to the Smythe household. Blaine knocked on the door.

It was opened by Jean Smythe fairly quickly. Kurt had noticed the difference immediately – the first time he'd seen Jean, he was stern and cold, in a business suit. He practically smelled of power. Right now, he'd been standing there in a business suit but he was slouching and looked rather exhausted.

Jean allowed them to come in. It smelled of mulled wine and burnt bread.

Kurt suddenly had noticed the ghost Sebastian sitting down by the carpet, wrapped in a blanket. They were sitting by the fireplace. Kurt was quick to predict that Sebastian had made that blanket with whatever ghostly power he had.

This was depressing. Kurt couldn't describe it as anything other than depressing – the poor man was drinking away his pain because his son was dead, and Sebastian was just sitting right there in front of him, watching him. It made Kurt nearly wish that Sebastian wasn't putting up so much effort to show himself to Kurt, but rather to his Father.

He'd talk to him about it later on. He'd had to.

"Who's this?" Jean gestured towards Blaine. "I remember you from last night."

"What happened last night?" Blaine's question was suddenly adamant. "I'm…I'm Blaine Anderson, sir."

"He called me last night, your friend," Jean explained. "He was the one that found Sebastian. He told me that he'd killed himself. It was so obvious when I looked at it at that time, when I reported it at the time but…now, I'm highly unsure."

"What?" Blaine asked, looking over at Kurt. "What were you doing here last night, Kurt? You told me you went to sleep."

Kurt didn't know how to explain it to Blaine. He just pursed his lips. "I just came to visit Sebastian. I've been feeling particularly lonely, and I thought that even Sebastian would've given me good company. I didn't want to see you is all. I walked in, ready for a fight with him but I was met with…with _that_."

Jean suddenly looked harshly suspicious. "I thought you were one of my son's friends."

Kurt wanted to say that Sebastian didn't have any friends, but he just shook his head.

Jean's voice was fuelled with anger next time around. "So, you're not one of my son's friends and you have no reason being in my house. There are three guns in this house that I have set up for protection, and I'm inclined to believe that Sebastian would've used one of them instead of buying a new one, wouldn't he?"

Sebastian was unbearably silent at that time, but he looked incredibly angry as he brought the blanket to himself.

"Are you suggesting that I killed your son?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "It takes a dead body longer than a few hours to smell that badly I assure you. It's only logic. I wouldn't have killed him, and then come back to the crime scene. It just doesn't make any sense."

"I've had forensics look at the gun," the man said after some time. "I've still not gotten word from my friend. He should be able to give me word soon."

Kurt nodded his head, wandering towards the couch and sitting down. "What if it turned out that Sebastian really did kill himself?"

"Then I suppose I owe you an apology," the man said, and Blaine just nodded his head. "But I highly doubt it. My son wouldn't dare put the gun on himself. He wouldn't kill himself. He just wouldn't."

Sebastian was staring at him with big eyes. Kurt supposed it was just a waiting game until then.

Kurt had pulled out his phone to type, noticing that Sebastian had left his sitting position and was floating towards Kurt. Kurt could feel the coldness again that left him slightly shivering.

"We'll wait then," Blaine said, sitting down on the couch.

"I'll get you biscuits and tea," the man explained, standing up from his position and offering a fairly weak smile to them both. He knew that he couldn't actually hate Kurt until there was a reason to.

Kurt was typing on his phone, feverishly so. _Why didn't you leave a suicide note? _

Sebastian was standing up beside him, not floating this time, but he was leaning over to read. He'd glanced back at Kurt, realising that he was not going to be able to avoid the question for long.

"Because everything I wrote came out snarky and sarcastic," Sebastian snorted. "Better not say anything at all if I'm going to make a joke about how red was always my favourite colour or that I did it because I couldn't find a pack of cigarettes or some shit like that. People don't need that."

Kurt thought for a moment, thinking on how to phrase the question that was on his mind. _Don't people usually use suicide notes as a final expression of themselves? Weren't you going to say why? Weren't you going to explain everything? _

Sebastian shrugged. "Nah," he said, tightening the wrapping of his blanket around himself. "Couldn't do that without sounding completely and utterly pathetic."

Kurt rolled his eyes, which only earned a smile from Sebastian. _Your two statements just contradicted each other._

"Do you know how many times I've written suicide notes, Hummel? On the day that I did shoot myself, I didn't write one. Not even tried to. You know why? Because I'm _impulsive_," Sebastian explained, running his hand through his hair. Kurt tried not to squirm when he realised that Sebastian just so easily ran his hand through his brain injury as well. "I got the gun from a 'friend', some asshole that owed me after I agreed to give him a blowjob in his office. I got the gun from an outside source because I didn't want anyone to know that I offed myself."

_But now you do? _Kurt had noticed Sebastian's shift towards that. How he seemed to be angry that Blaine thought that it was impossible that Sebastian had committed suicide when just yesterday, Sebastian was begging him not to tell anyone.

Sebastian nodded his head. "People think I wouldn't have killed myself," he laughed, his laugh was hollow. Tears were falling down from his eyes. "They don't know shit about me to be saying that they know I wouldn't do it because I did it. I did off myself. Fuck them. Fuck everyone."

Kurt's heart was hurting him again. He did feel bad for that, that even the people that were the closest to Sebastian believed that Sebastian wouldn't have done it.

They'd stayed with Jean, whom had offered tea and biscuits. Kurt ate three of them, washing them down with abnormally sweet tea. It was just a waiting game from then on, they waited for an answer.

Jean got a call an hour and a half later, and Kurt was nearly sure it was the results of the DNA fingerprinting done on the gun. He could only hear Jean's "yes" and "okay" every now and then, not sure what to make of it.

Blaine was meeting Kurt's eyes every now and then, almost as if trying to make sense of the whole situation. Ghost Sebastian had now abandoned his blanket, and was sitting on the arm of the chair that Jean had been sitting on.

Jean had returned, nodding his head towards Kurt. "I suppose I owe you an apology, Kurt. I…I'm very sorry. Will you please help me move Sebastian's things?"

That was it. The fingerprints were Sebastian's, just as he'd predicted.

Kurt looked over at Blaine whom just nodded his head. "I'm sorry, Kurt."

They looked even more depressed than when they found out he'd just about died. Both crying silently, he felt like a reason why Sebastian was so close to Blaine was perhaps because of how similar to thinking Jean and Blaine seemed to be so far.

They went up to Sebastian's room to clear his things out of the room.

It was one of the most painful things that Kurt had had to do. He'd barely been in Sebastian's room. There was no body, but the blood was still there. The first thing they did was roll over the carpet to get rid of it.

Sebastian had followed them, the ghost sat down on the bed and looked over at Kurt.

"Think of something that you want to tell me, I want to try and read your mind," Sebastian finally said, his voice soft.

_It's painful seeing this place. I've just barely been here but the environment is just…it's suited to you, _Kurt thought, waiting for Sebastian's face to twist in some sort of emotion. He just shook his head. Kurt had honestly thought that it would take a while before Sebastian could properly read his thoughts.

After they'd rolled the carpet out of the room, things felt easier but harder at the same time.

Blaine went to help clear out the closet. The boxes were already set up around the room, but the man hadn't put anything in them.

Kurt remembered that night so clearly, and he remembered that Sebastian didn't want him touching his phone. That was exactly why Kurt had wandered off towards the table and picked off Sebastian's phone. He'd opened it whilst Blaine and Jean were busy pulling out Sebastian's clothes.

Sebastian had been humming and practically froze when he saw Kurt holding his iPhone in his hands, with his cover of the French flag.

Jean had stopped packing Sebastian's clothing when he moved towards Kurt. "I've never thought of looking through his phone before."

"I should've destroyed that piece of shit phone!" Sebastian exclaimed in all his horrors, knowing very well that nothing he could do or say would make Kurt dispose of the phone.

Kurt had looked through Facebook first, noticing that Sebastian had a few chats with a few people.

He'd read them. They were all plans that Sebastian had made, sounding like he was fully intending on going to them. His Facebook was filled with photos he'd shared. The last photo he'd shared was one that involved the Doge meme. The dog's name was Doge then, right?

Kurt looked through Sebastian's Twitter. The last tweet he'd tweeted was three weeks ago. 'Kill me now before I take another exam' was what he'd said, intended to be taken as a joke obviously. He'd looked over his instagram, which showed nothing more than just a few pictures that were incredibly normal.

In fact, there seemed to be nothing suspicious in Sebastian's phone but Sebastian didn't want Kurt to look at it for a reason so there had to be something.

"Did you find anything?" Jean asked.

"No, not yet," Kurt had a feeling though. "However, I have a feeling that there's something. I want to take his phone and his laptop and if I find something, I'll report to you immediately. I have a feeling that there has to be something to explain all of this."

"Fine," Jean nodded in. "I really do hope you forgive me for how I've acted towards you. It was unprofessional and unethical for me to accuse you."

"It's alright," Kurt insisted. "I may not have liked Sebastian, that much I am truthful about but I do not want him dead. On any accord. In fact, I, like you, just want to understand why on Earth he'd do such a thing. It just seems to me that I've never quite known him if I didn't expect it."

Jean nodded his head. "His laptop is in on the chair. You should take it when you're on your way out."

Kurt nodded his head. He knew that under normal circumstances, Jean probably wouldn't have given him Sebastian's laptop but it was rather to make up for his rudeness and his accusations.

He couldn't blame either of them. They didn't want to face up to the truth that Sebastian had honestly shot himself. Kurt was still trying to wrap his head around it after the hard night and the excruciatingly long day.

He'd texted his Father after school to tell him where he was. It was nearing five pm, and Kurt felt like he'd just been told that Sebastian had died. He'd been crying on and off, and he was sick of it.

At the same time, it didn't properly sink in that Sebastian was gone, even when they'd been clearing his stuff.

Kurt had opened a drawer to clear out. He'd been disturbed to find alcohol, a lot of it, stashed around in Sebastian's room. He'd taken it out. He'd had been faced with five bottles of hard liquor. He'd looked through the rest of the drawers, a few notebooks. Kurt opened up one of them. Sebastian's handwriting was small and sharp, somehow it fit his personality properly. Every capital letter stood out, and from what he seemed to see, Sebastian's school notes were tidy.

He'd put the notebooks away. He'd searched the rest of the drawers, finding a box that was just filled with cigarette packs. Jean didn't look happy about that. He'd found Sebastian's lighter and threw it on the bed.

There wasn't much else. Sebastian's room lacked personality. There were a few textbooks lying around. It was like Sebastian didn't like to do anything. It was sad in some sort of way. He'd not found any books, any catalogues, any magazines, anything—no notebooks that weren't filled with schoolwork.

Kurt thought to the mess of things he had at home, some useless things, some strange things. Sebastian's room looked felt like a hotel room, only necessities, almost as if he was barely there. Absent from his room at all times.

There was nothing around that gave Kurt the feeling that this was someone's haven or home. There was no colour in the room. The walls were grey, the bed was white and it felt like a guest room. The only thing that gave character was far too many bottles of liquor and cigarettes.

Kurt opened another drawer. More liquor. More cigarettes. Another lighter.

After finding another liquor bottle, Kurt just felt like crying. He'd put everything on the bed. It just looked depressing after a while, and then he said he had to go home for dinner. It wasn't necessarily a lie either.

He'd taken Sebastian's laptop and phone with him, and oh, the ghost Sebastian followed him as well. Blaine had insisted on driving him home and Jean said that Blaine should.

Blaine drove him home and the car ride was silent only for the first three minutes.

"I'm sorry," Blaine suddenly choked out. "For doubting you. For…"

Kurt shook his head. "It's alright." He just wanted to forget all about it for now. He felt strange holding Sebastian's things. He'd felt like he was invading Sebastian's personal space at any other time, but he just had to feed his curiosity considering that the ghost Sebastian wouldn't tell him shit.

Blaine smiled weakly. "I think it's mostly because I didn't want to face the fact that Sebastian might've… killed himself. It just feels so wrong. Like I could've done something to stop it."

"I think we all feel that way," Kurt surely knew he did.

Blaine nodded his head.

Blaine dropped Kurt home after giving him a hug. Kurt went upstairs to drop his – well, Sebastian's – things and had gone down to eat dinner. Sebastian was sitting on the edge of the dinner table, looking at the dinner they were having. Quiche, peas, broccoli and carrots. He conjured up a plate on his lap that was of the same things.

Kurt quickly predicted that Sebastian couldn't really eat. He just looked like he wanted to. It made Kurt feel a bit guilty about being able to put the carrots in his mouth and eating.

Sebastian actually just looked all the more distressed and close to tears, which made Kurt feel horrible for it. After some time, Sebastian just disappeared.

Kurt felt horrible about the whole ordeal, and he'd cut dinner short, asking to go upstairs when his plate was half-full.

"Are you okay, kiddo?" Burt asked.

"Yeah, it's just a long day," Kurt explained.

Finn nodded his head. "This like…gay guy from Dalton, the one that used to push Kurt around and nearly blinded Blaine, he sort of shot himself, so…"

Somehow, with the way Finn had said it, it had finally hit Kurt.

Sebastian Smythe was dead. Because he killed himself. Sebastian would never truly live again. Sebastian wouldn't sit down to have dinner with his family like Kurt did. Sebastian wouldn't see his Father, or his Mother. He wouldn't be able to grow up and possibly find love. He wouldn't be able to walk up to Kurt and Blaine and say a snarky comment.

Yes, Kurt could see him, but he was the only one that could see him. It wasn't that he would never see Sebastian again. It was the fact that Sebastian would not be a part of the real world. They had their own world now, something that was built with them. Sebastian could float and change his clothing without really trying. Sebastian could possibly get the ability to move around real objects and hear his thoughts one day. Sebastian was not part of this world.

Sebastian would never talk to Blaine again. He'd never talk to his Father again. He'd never be able to have warm skin again. Kurt would have never have to face Sebastian as Dalton competition again. He'd never see Sebastian in a Warbler uniform.

Somehow, the last one just broke him. Kurt just stood up rather abruptly and felt tears filling his eyes.

"I'd really need to be alone tonight," Kurt insisted, before he left. He felt like vomiting out the peas and carrots. He felt so wrong eating when Sebastian was sitting there, crying, looking so distressed.

Kurt was crying again. He sat down. It just finally hit him—there would be a funeral. Blaine was right. Maybe they could've pried into his character. Maybe they could've helped. Maybe. Maybe, maybe.

Kurt was just sobbing. He felt cold, so he knew Sebastian was around somewhere, but he didn't know where.

He cried out, screaming and yelling. As if that would make Sebastian materialise and show himself to everyone and tell his Father why he did it. Sebastian still had too much pride as a ghost to tell Kurt why he'd done it. Kurt couldn't imagine. He suddenly remembered all those liquor bottles, all those cigarettes—what kind of a life was that? What kind of a life did Sebastian have that was just so bad that he had to end it? End all of it?

Want to die?

Kurt's heart was aching and he was crying even louder, yelling, and he broke a lamp in his rage. He just wanted to curl up. He wanted to be alone, but he wanted someone to hold him. He wanted warmth.

He didn't get warmth, but when he opened his eyes, Sebastian had been holding him. He'd made himself visible again, and he was still crying. Sebastian's tears were silent, and Kurt just shook his head.

"I hate you," Kurt suddenly spat out, his voice soft, and it hurt to speak.

Kurt then threw his arms around Sebastian. It was the equivalent of hugging a block of ice. He was shuddering, but at the same time, the ice burned. He felt warm, and cold at the same time. Sebastian just let Kurt hug him, almost as if he wasn't sure what to do when someone held him.

"I know," was all Sebastian could say.

Kurt shook his head. "I don't really hate you, you stupid jerk," he suddenly stated, sounding sort of a contradiction on its own.

Sebastian looked at him again, there was a kind of emotion that Kurt couldn't read in his eyes. They'd gone from green to looking as if they were simply tinted green. "I know."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	4. Past

Chapter Four

_Past_

* * *

That morning, Kurt had woken up to the sight of Sebastian sitting on his bed and he was eating a chocolate bar.

"I thought you couldn't eat," Kurt suddenly said, his voice cracked from all the crying and yelling that happened last night. He turned to turn off his alarm clock, which was rather loud and headache-inducing.

Sebastian shook his head. "I never said that."

"What happened last night?" Kurt felt like he needed an explanation. "You were crying when we had dinner last night."

Sebastian shrugged. Kurt had no idea why he did that. He made it seem like it wasn't important when it was – was it for pride or his fear of being weak? Whatever it was, it was pissing Kurt off at the moment.

"Answer me," Kurt sounded angry. In fact, he was. "Stop acting like you're full of everything. Nobody cares anymore. Just tell me why."

Sebastian looked back at Kurt, shrugging again. Kurt was just about to lose it when Sebastian did confess to him. "I just remembered last time I had dinner with my adoptive parents. It was…about two years ago," he snorted, looking away from Kurt. "Sometimes, I do regret blowing my brains out, Hummel. It's just…that was one of those times. I don't know. I wanted another meal like that. You have that every day and I don't and I just…fuck, I want it."

Despite Sebastian giving Kurt a substantial answer, he kept on going. "I want to be able to have dinner with someone I care about, okay? I want to."

Kurt nodded his head, and moved towards Sebastian, wrapping his arms around him.

Sebastian turned around and hugged him. It was cold. He wondered how human Sebastian would feel. Sebastian didn't just feel cold to him – he also felt like a semi-liquid, not quite solid but not quite liquid, something that was fluid and changeable. It didn't feel nice at all to hug him in fact because of it.

"Thank you for opening up to me," Kurt made it sure that it didn't go unnoticed.

Sebastian snorted. "Whatever," he'd apparently restored his full character. He'd chomped through the chocolate bar. "I can technically reconstruct anything from memory. I can't make stuff that I've never had before though some people can. Tommy told me that anyone can make up stuff if they try hard enough…that we can create things out of virtually nowhere. I told him his Physics was off. He told me that we're not actually creating shit out of nowhere. We're just…you know, rearranging stuff in space."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Alright," this felt awkward. "Who's Tommy?"

"My dead twin—identical to me in looks by the way," Sebastian explained, rubbing his neck. "Died a year ago. Drunk driver."

Kurt's heart thudded. "I'm so sorry."

Kurt seemed to be in thought for a moment. He'd actually grabbed Sebastian's phone and looked through pictures. Sebastian seemed to be distracted for a bit.

"I'm coming back later," Sebastian disappeared.

Kurt realised the room was actually abnormally hot without Sebastian's presence. Kurt had taken off the heavy padding he'd been wearing in the presence of Sebastian. He looked through Sebastian's phone.

He paused when he noticed it. Two boys, same height, same built, same everything. Kurt clicked and looked at them. He immediately knew Sebastian was on the left and that Tom was on the right.

The boy on the left was smirking, and he looked smug. He was wearing a horizontally stripped shirt that Kurt could remember seeing Sebastian wearing during Scandals. The boy on the right looked…weak, scared. He looked lost.

"No," Kurt hadn't noticed Sebastian returning. He'd just noticed it had come back again.

Sebastian had probably gotten bored in minutes, and decided to return. He looked soft, floating just above Kurt and looked at the picture with him. "Tom is on the left. I'm on the right."

So, Sebastian did read that thought out. "You can read my thoughts now?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sebastian shook his head. "Isn't that what people do?" he asked, snorting. "When you're looking at a picture of twins, you're trying to guess who is who?"

Kurt sighed. "It's hard to believe you're on the right," he finally said. "It's just that the one on the right looks…"

"Pathetic," Sebastian spat out, rolling his eyes.

"You better not be doing what other twins do and confuse me on who's who." Kurt stated. He honestly was confused at whether or not to believe that the vulnerable-looking boy on the right was Sebastian.

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Hummel, why would I make you think I was pathetic unless it was true?"

Kurt looked back at the picture. "Tommy's wearing your shirt."

"Correction, I was wearing Tommy's shirt when I was at Scandals," Sebastian snorted, shaking his head. "I always borrowed his shit and he always got angry at me borrowing his shit."

Kurt didn't know what tone of voice Sebastian was using but he asked again. "You didn't kill yourself because your twin died?"

Sebastian was laughing. "Hummel, I was more than okay with my twin's death. In fact, I wanted him to die."

"What?" Kurt's voice was high, staring at Sebastian's face for some time. "How could you _wish_ for someone's death?"

Sebastian looked angry, his lips twitching. "Hummel, for years, my twin has made me into a way to release his anger. Tommy had a few more pounds on me – you can't tell in photos because it's all fucking muscle. He looks better in _everything_ if you see him in real life though. And he's been using me as his human punching bag."

Kurt suddenly realised what Sebastian had told him. "He _abused_ you?" he called out in a high voice.

"Want to see?" Kurt nodded his head when Sebastian had asked that even though he wasn't sure what he'd meant.

Sebastian laid down beside Kurt. "You have to promise you wouldn't show anyone, Hummel. Okay?" he asked, only for Kurt to nod his head. "Alright. Open my laptop."

"Password locked," Kurt reminded him, wondering if that would actually stop Sebastian from telling him his password.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "My password is my phone number, Hummel."

Kurt nodded his head, and typed that up. He'd only recently memorised Sebastian's number, but he'd seen it often enough to have it stowed away in his subconscious. The number that was on Blaine's phone that used to irk him all the time.

"Alright," Sebastian nodded his head. "Go to Compressed, and you'll see there's the first folder. Click on that."

It took Kurt a few moments, adjusting to Sebastian's laptop but he realised he'd probably get used to it after some time. Kurt raised an eyebrow when he realised he was faced with an actual folder that was filled with pictures.

Kurt clicked on the first, realising right then that it was going to be painful.

Kurt hadn't rarely seen Sebastian in anything but his Warblers uniform (well, it was really one time that he hadn't seen him in his Warbler uniform—well, alive Sebastian anyway) and he'd just believed that Sebastian practically lived in his Dalton uniform just as the rest of the Warblers.

Seeing Sebastian in a picture without it felt strange to him. This Sebastian, the one Kurt knew, the smirky meerkat that somehow looked smug even as he was lying on that cot. His lip was busted, and he had a few visible scratches on his cheek.

"And nobody asked about them?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "With my character, Hummel? Most of the time people think I've just ticked off the wrong people."

Kurt was about to say something against that but he realised that Sebastian was right—Kurt had believed that much about him. He just swallowed the lump in his throat and just nodded his head. "Oh, alright then."

He didn't know how to feel about that. He just looked back at the screen and leafed through the images. They all disturbed him. Just the thought of Sebastian walking around with all these scrapes, and bruises and people just regarding it as normal.

Kurt didn't know what most people around him would do if he started walking around with bruises all the time. Even the Glee club didn't know how bad the bullying could get for him, and Kurt did not bruise easily so it was something he could hide.

He wondered how it was like, being in Sebastian's skin—and shuddered at the thought.

He paused at one that was dated to just after Sectionals. Kurt wouldn't lie. He had all of the dates memorised for Sectionals, Regionals and Nationals. He knew that Sebastian had lost, and somehow, the thought made him shudder, looking at the image before him.

Sebastian looked frail. That was just the only way Kurt knew how to describe it. He looked suddenly incredibly thin and incredibly lacking, as if he was just a victim. Big green eyes looking up at the camera, almost pleadingly. He had a black eye, a few scratches on his cheek and looked exceptionally tired.

"Were you happy when Tommy died?" Kurt suddenly asked.

Sebastian snorted. "Indifferent," he honestly said. "But fuck, relieved I was. Relieved."

Kurt had another question playing on his mind. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" he suddenly called out, his voice clear and coherent. "If you'd told the Warblers, they'd definitely understand. If you'd told me or Blaine…or your Father—"

"I was going to," Sebastian cut Kurt off. "It's just my twin happened to die on the same day that I'd planned to break it to my Dad. Don't know about you but it would piss me off if I was in his shoes, so it just stuck that way. Little secret sort of thing."

"Before me," Kurt found it all useless now. Sebastian confessing to the abuse when Sebastian was dead. "You should've mentioned that in a suicide note or something. You really should've just left something."

Kurt could recall rather vibrantly that Sebastian did tell him that he had tried to write a bunch of suicide notes before. He wondered if he'd saved them somewhere. He wondered if he'd typed them or if he'd just handwritten them.

Somehow, he'd find it out.

"I'm off," Sebastian said for a while. "You've got school and God, last time I disobeyed you, I had to watch people cry over me." He snorted.

Kurt could notice the vacancy in Sebastian's eyes. "Something's bothering you."

Sebastian nodded his head. "How come people only give a shit about you when you shoot yourself? When you're gone? Dead? What point is it if you're dead and people care? You should've cared when I was…"

He had a point. It registered to Kurt's head. Now, with this unraveled news, he felt unable to do much about it if anything at all. Kurt noticed Sebastian not being able to finish the statement. The green-eyed ghost had disappeared just on that note, not really staying there for longer than intended.

Kurt had picked up Sebastian's phone. Within seconds of him leaving, Kurt had felt abnormally hot. He'd pocketed it, went on with his morning activities of getting up, washing, peeing, brushing his teeth and changing into his clothes. He'd gone down for breakfast quickly afterwards.

This time, there was no Sebastian intruding. Kurt realised that he could now tell whether the ghost was there or not, depending on how cold it was. It wasn't cold at all really. Kurt was feeling rather warm in his sweaters at the moment but felt like he'd need them. He was wearing a thin one.

Kurt was looking at the eggs, wondering which were hard-boiled or soft-boiled. He wondered if Sebastian liked eggs. He had no idea why every single thought he had after Sebastian's death was revolved around Sebastian.

He'd gone off to school soon afterwards. Finn had insisted on driving this time.

Kurt sat in the back. He had been listening to music and normally, he'd not be zoning out but this time, he did. He was in a tunnel, waiting outside, wearing one of his beige coats. His boots were black. He didn't remember anything else. He just remembered looking and watching a train rush.

It was about to hide him. The lights were so bright it burned his retina and the sounds so loud he just—

"Dude!" Finn was shaking him and he didn't even notice. Kurt had noticed that he was in the car but they weren't at school. Had they not left the house yet? Kurt looked over at the clock. They were obscenely late. "I took you back home because you were starting to have nightmares and stuff. I think you really shouldn't come today. I called Burt already and he said it was cool."

Kurt slowly but surely nodded his head. "Okay," he didn't feel like fighting. He didn't know what happened to him.

Kurt had trudged to go upstairs and he'd collapsed on his bed. He thought that he may be overstressing himself and this was just reminding him of that but he had an irking feeling at the pit of his stomach, telling him that this was something else entirely but he didn't know what.

It was completely gone by the time he'd woken up. He saw that Burt had probably come home. There was a box before him, and there was a thick slice of cake with white frosting, topped with white chocolate shavings.

Kurt had perked up immediately.

He noticed it had gone colder in the room too.

"What happened?" this time, it was Sebastian's turn to inquiry about Kurt's sudden nightmare, and sickness that seemed to have faded away for the most bit.

Kurt shrugged. "Perhaps, I had just gotten slightly sick?" he didn't know what happened to him but he didn't think to dwell on it too much.

He'd smiled as he leaned forward to take the cake slice. "My Father always does this," he suddenly sounded out.

"What?" Kurt noticed Sebastian sitting beside him, staring at him in intrigue.

Kurt was grinning fully now. "Well, when I'm sick, he goes to the bakery and picks up something sweet and fattening because he's afraid I'm not eating enough when I'm sick. Plus, it always puts a smile on my face. When it was younger, it was all that I would eat when I was sick."

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

"What?" Kurt didn't get Sebastian's response.

Sebastian snorted. "All the times I've ever got sick is because I ate too much crap and my body decided that it hated me," he offered a sheepish smile. "Never had a cold in…ever."

Sebastian then paused. "What's the white stuff?"

"White chocolate?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. He noticed Sebastian still looked puzzled.

"There's a white chocolate?" Sebastian called out. "Fuck, next thing you know, there's going to be a black chocolate or something like that."

Kurt was highly amused. "Close enough—there's a dark chocolate."

"No, there isn't," Sebastian insisted. "There's only Cadbury, Hummel."

"And Cadbury makes both white and dark chocolate too," Kurt was finding this conversation a good thing for his mood. He was back to smiling, his eyes twinkling as he looked at Sebastian's obvious confusion and childish quips.

Sebastian had materialised a bar that looked exactly like the white chocolate.

"Does that actually taste like white chocolate?" Kurt now explained.

Sebastian shook his head. "Would taste like normal milk chocolate," Sebastian said, taking a bite out of it and then nodding his head. "Yeah. I'm right. Tastes like normal milk chocolate. It takes a lot of effort and practice to make things that you don't have a memory of."

"But it could be done," Kurt wanted to make Sebastian taste both things – dark and white. He watched Sebastian nod his head. "Okay, I'll put it on the list then."

"The list?" Sebastian snorted.

"The list of thing that I'm making you try or create once you get the power to make things that don't require a memory," Kurt easily stated, taking off his phone and looking through his notes. He made a new one and added his first point just to remember. "You are stuck with me for God knows when."

Sebastian looked tentative. "A few months."

"What?" Kurt looked up at Sebastian, unsure of the dissociation.

"I can't live Lima, Hummel. It'll be very painful." Sebastian explained, shaking his head. "And you're heading to New York, right?"

"It can't be _that_ painful." Kurt insisted. He had been bent on taking Sebastian to New York with him.

Sebastian snorted. "You don't know shit, Hummel." He paused after a few moments. "I'll see – if I'm coming I guess. I might not. It's totally up to me you know, Hummel. I'll probably be invisible for the flight though. Can't imagine the energy that it takes to make myself visible plus the pain of enduring that shit. Yeah. No, thanks."

Kurt was in thought again. He pursed his lips together, allowing images to plaque his mind. "How do you know that it's painful to go off to a flight?"

Sebastian just shrugged. "It's just after…well, after I died, Hummel, I just wanted to go to Paris. I really wanted to. More than anything. It's just that it didn't happen the way I wanted it to I guess. I felt like I was being torn into pieces and projected out into space. Wasn't worth it."

Kurt nodded his head. He wanted to ask Sebastian about Paris, but was unsure what to talk about. He pulled out his phone and decided to see what kind of messages he was left with. The WhatsApp group he had with the Glee club members was apparently incredibly active.

Kurt was quick to read upon the 'Where's Kurt?' and 'Is he okay?' and Blaine asking if it was something he did. Finn had just responded an hour and a half ago, saying that Kurt was just sick. Kurt didn't know if he was sick. He didn't feel sick anymore.

"I fell asleep in the car that morning apparently," Kurt said, seeing as Sebastian was leaning in closer. Kurt honestly wanted to be close to Sebastian, but this closeness was just making him freeze his ass off. It felt like he was being close to an iceberg. "I had a nightmare. I was standing there and I was nearly going to be hit by a train. I don't usually remember nightmares but this was…fairly vivid."

"Why tell me?"

Kurt didn't expect Sebastian to ask him that. Kurt didn't know himself. He just shrugged. "I don't know."

Sebastian snorted. "Is it that I just offed myself that you have to find it in you to act civil to me, Hummel?" he rolled his eyes. He just shook his head. "Honestly, if I was alive and you didn't know all this shit about me, would you give me a second glance or would you really sit down and exchange dreams with me?"

Kurt's heart was thudding before he shook his head. "It was a nightmare," he corrected him. "And also, I don't know. I don't think so."

Sebastian snorted. "There's your answer then, Hummel." He rolled his eyes almost instinctively. "This only happened because I decided to show myself to you—"

"And why did you?" Kurt suddenly cut him off, his eyes wide. "Why did you decide to show yourself to me?"

Sebastian looked more than just a tad shocked with Kurt's question.

"Out of all the people in this space time continuum," Kurt began, his eyes were dilated at the moment, fixated on Sebastian's frame. "Why me?"

Sebastian made no motion to answer his question—typical, Kurt thought to himself. Typical.

He turned to his cake. He began to angrily chew it, unhappy with everything for what it was at the moment. He could see Sebastian stare at him vacantly for a while. Sometimes, that happened. Kurt had noticed Sebastian sometimes switched from being Sebastian to just being quiet, looking more like the boy on that picture, a tad more vulnerable but just not enough for Kurt to believe that Sebastian was just that vulnerable.

It felt like an act, all of it, like a ludicrous act and that Sebastian was just going to tell him that he was pranking him, but no, this was real.

Sebastian was a ghost. He was dead. He shot himself and now, Kurt was conversing with him whilst eating white cake with cream frosting. He'd licked his lips a few times.

Sebastian had disappeared again. Kurt was yet to determine if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He finished off the slice of cake that he'd been working on for too long and turned to pick up Sebastian's phone. He was toying with the cover for a few moments, before he'd decided to surf through the phone.

He was unsure what he was looking for. The room was warm, and Kurt felt safe without Sebastian being there to stare at him prying at his phone.

Kurt was quick to look through the applications again, feeling as if he'd missed something. He was just opening random apps, even things like music apps just to see if there was anything that Sebastian wouldn't have wanted him to see.

He'd opened the Notes icon, and was met with a mass of notes, lists upon lists of notes. They were all titled the same thing, different numbers attached to them. Kurt's heart stopped. _Suicide Note No 1, Suicide Note No 2, Suicide Note No 3_…and they all spanned to around _Suicide Note No 27_.

Kurt shut off the application, and hid his phone back. That was what Sebastian did not want him to see after all. The ghostly presence was still not around. Kurt was wondering if he could risk it. No. He'd just wait until he was at school. Sebastian didn't seem to want to go with him to school anymore, which was indeed a good thing now that Kurt had unlocked it.

Sebastian wouldn't find it odd that Kurt was lugging around his phone. Kurt had been doing that for a while now, he'd barely left the phone since he'd gotten it. It felt somewhat safe to him, holding Sebastian's phone in his hands. It was dreadful as well, because when he saw it, he couldn't deny the story that came with acquiring it.

Kurt had gone off to shower, and changed into comfortable, horrible sweatshirts and sweatpants that he would never admit to anyone he owned.

"You look good in that," he heard a voice from behind him. Kurt suddenly felt a chill, a shudder. "You really try too hard, Hummel. You actually look good in you know, normal stuff."

Kurt looked back to see Sebastian standing there, a very small smile upturned on his lips – a secret.

Kurt nodded his head, but he didn't know what he was agreeing to. He knew he tried too hard, but he liked trying too hard. This was his hobby after all. Now, Sebastian had seen him exposed again – no flamboyant clothing, nothing, but stripped in front of him in clothing that Kurt would never wear, but he did wear them. He just didn't feel comfortable with other people seeing him wear them.

"I don't like to wear them," Kurt insisted, his voice calm. "Simply because I feel invisible with them on. I'd rather be recognised and hated then to wander around the hallways, feeling like I was just another waste of space."

Sebastian nodded his head. Kurt believed that Sebastian didn't know what he was agreeing to either.

Sebastian was pursing his lips. "I could've gone to my Dad afterwards, but it was too much." He explained. "The Warblers – I don't know about you, but once one of them knows it's like the whole fucking school knows. And Blaine…I didn't want him to feel bad or shit. He has this 'oh, I can save everyone' complex and I don't want him to blame himself even more if I was around. He'd just be sitting there, crying his fucking eyes out all the time and I'd tell him not to blame himself but he wouldn't listen so, yeah. You were sort of my last resort, Hummel. At least I can act like a complete jackass to you about ninety percent of the time."

Kurt paused, digesting that information. "I was your last resort," that sounded believable enough. "Why show yourself to anyone at all?" he suddenly asked.

Sebastian snorted. "Hummel, I'm lonely," somehow, the kind of fragility that came to his voice at that moment made Kurt's stomach churn. He didn't like how weak he sounded, how close to breaking point.

Sebastian snorted, trying to break the sudden tension and lighten the atmosphere again. "But I really should've gone with Blaine. I'd get to see his assets," he winked.

Kurt was just about to tell him why he had to do that all the time when he just sighed. It was as useless as asking Blaine why he got angry before he listened to the full story. It just happened and Kurt had to learn how to deal with it.

"Kurt," Burt walked into the room. He saw that the man was standing there, looking a little distraught. "You ate your cake?"

Kurt nodded his head. "It was lovely, thank you."

Burt sat down by Kurt's bedside, placing a hand on his thigh. "What happened back there? Finn said you got sick. You puke or anything?"

"Yeah, because the best way to help him over his puking is to give him a big ole slice of cake," Sebastian commented from the background, rolling his eyes.

"Um, no," Kurt shook his head. "I just fell asleep in the car and had this incredibly horrific nightmare. Apparently, the way I'd reacted to it was bad enough that it alerted Finn and made him consider taking precautions I suppose."

Burt raised an eyebrow. "Nightmares? You never had problem with nightmares before."

"It's fine," Kurt insisted. "It's just once, and I hardly believe it'll be an issue again."

"You sure?" Burt raised an eyebrow.

Kurt nodded his head. He didn't miss the look that Sebastian was giving him, as Burt patted Kurt's back and left him. Sebastian was biting down his lower lip. "It will be an issue, wouldn't it?" Sebastian asked.

"Well, I'm not a seer," Kurt insisted, sighing. He really, really admired the fact that his room was soundproof in that moment.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, your ghostly highness, I have a lab report due in a few short days and I would like for you to remain quiet for the next few hours."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	5. Proposal

Chapter Five

_Proposal_

* * *

Kurt was unable to focus on his lab report for the hour, and had given up completely after some time. His thoughts had gone to the green-eyed ghost that was lounging around in his room.

Currently, he was trying to move a flower vase from its position with not much luck unfortunately. Among other things he tried to move with his ghostly hands and powers were a set of keys, a lanyard that was clipping Kurt's student ID, and a poster of Moulin Rouge that Kurt had on his wall.

Sebastian was growing increasingly frustrated and Kurt was as well.

After some time, Kurt was able to finally start on his lab report, but by then, he nearly fell asleep in it.

The week had gone by progressively slowly. Kurt had not gotten used to Sebastian not being there in school. Somehow, Kurt had come accustomed to turning around and seeing him. Essentially going to school without him felt like a part of him had gone missing.

Besides, a sudden fear had filled in Kurt that maybe he'd go home and he wasn't there and Sebastian wasn't actually a ghost. He was always proven wrong but it was always on Kurt's mind. He was frightened about the thought of losing Sebastian in the same fashion others did. They believed they'd never see Sebastian again.

Kurt wouldn't be able to cope with that. He liked seeing Sebastian, even in ghost form. He'd gotten fairly attached to him.

He'd been able to help Mr Schue and Jean Smythe with funeral plans. Sebastian sometimes came with him to Jean's house. He usually just sat next to the fire, with a blanket. It was a sight that always managed to hurt Kurt, to see Jean in so much panic over losing his son and Sebastian was just sitting there, staring with wide eyes.

Kurt sometimes wondered if he was lucky that he could see Sebastian as a ghost, or if he was just completely unlucky for being able to. He wasn't sure. He believed it was somewhat a mixture of both.

"Hey," Mercedes had gone up to his locker. "You've been distant lately. What's up?"

"Distant?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. He didn't think he'd been distant with anyone, but it was mentioned several times during the week that it seemed like Kurt was zoning out, in another time and space completely.

Burt was intensely worried about him, even though Kurt insisted he was fine. He didn't have sleeping problems. He did have another nightmare though. It was the same one, the one with the train but this time, it had somewhat gotten so much more vivid. Kurt nearly believed he was run over when he'd woken up, soaked and bathed in his own sweat.

Sebastian didn't speak when he saw Kurt arise from his nightmare. He just knew that he shouldn't say anything.

"Yeah, detached, unsociable, off," Mercedes called out her synonyms for it. "Distant."

"I know what distant is, Mercedes, but I've not been distant," Kurt insisted, walking alongside her as he held the books he had for the next two classes he had to go to.

Mercedes was just shaking her head. "You're quiet during Glee, until they mention Sebastian's funeral and then you shoot up like you've just woken up. In fact, you only really look engaged when someone talks about him nowadays. What's up with that?"

"The guy's dead," Kurt insisted. "It's been a few weeks, but it's still quite a wound and I've just been thinking."

"You shouldn't be with your thoughts, Kurt." Mercedes insisted, shaking her head. "When you're alone in your head, you start thinking of things that you shouldn't be thinking off. Finn says you've not been sleeping okay?"

"I have been," Kurt flatly stated. For the most bit, he had been. Yes. "I'm not experiencing any sleep disturbances. I'm just still in shock. It's just…it forces you to rethink things. Sebastian's suicide."

Mercedes nodded her head, though she wasn't agreeing with him as much as she was just following his thought track. "Hey, Kurt," she called out his voice in a way that made him realise just how much she cared about him. "I want to ask you something."

There was a pregnant pause after that statement as Kurt waited for the question.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Yes?" he tried to break it, wondering what it was that the diva seemed so tentative to ask.

"Have you ever…" Mercedes looked away from his face, and he knew this was not going to be a question he wanted to answer, "…have you ever thought of doing it? Killing yourself?"

Kurt felt abnormally nauseous and lightheaded all of a sudden. This was not a topic he wanted to discuss. "No," he finally said. "I haven't. Have you?"

Mercedes shook her head. "No."

Kurt allowed the silence that formed to linger for a few moments before he broke it. "Do you think we could've known that Sebastian was going to do it? Do you think that there was something we were missing in the grand scheme of things?"

"I think we couldn't have known," Mercedes said after some time. "I think you should stop blaming yourself. Blaine and you both think you're responsible for every gay kid and how they turn up. It's not true."

"No, you're wrong," Kurt shook his head. "I don't feel responsible towards every gay kid I meet, just the ones that I could've afforded to get a little closer with them. In this case, that's Sebastian. He wouldn't have killed himself unless there was a reason and I'm just wondering what on Earth could bring him so much pain that he had to pull the trigger. Sebastian, in his conceited, arrogant persona, what could have driven that kind of person to do what he did?"

"I think maybe it's because we didn't know what kind of person he was, Kurt," Mercedes announced, and moved slightly in front of him.

Kurt halted to think about that statement. He pursed his lips. He thought of the little picture of Sebastian with his twin brother, how Sebastian had told him that that he was the weak-looking one that looked like he had some sort of spinal deformity with how he was slouching. The slouching made him look so much more vulnerable as well.

Kurt didn't know what to think. He thought that he knew everything about everyone but was constantly bombarded with the thought that that was a no. He knew nothing about anyone, and that bothered him in ways that he couldn't explain to most people.

Kurt watched Mercedes walk away and she stopped to look back at him. "Are you okay?" she suddenly asked.

He shook his head, feeling like his whole world was crumbling right before him. "Maybe." He didn't know how to pinpoint his feelings. "I don't know, Cedes."

She walked towards him and engulfed him into a hug. Somehow, the hug had made him feel like he was shrinking in her arms and he just started to feel tears pooling into his eyes again. He didn't even know why he was crying – not really, he felt the emptiness he felt that day he realised Sebastian was dead. He felt like the whole world had changed. He felt like a vase broken and the glue to fix those pieces being miles away from his reach but he was too broken to reach out.

He needed help. And Sebastian needed help, but it didn't matter for Sebastian anymore, because Sebastian was gone. Dead. Another body floating away mindlessly.

And all Kurt could do was watch him disappear into the world. He was nothing. He was essentially just an embodiment of a boy that was alive. He could not experience new things. He was stuck in limbo, halfway into the real world but not quite. He wondered how painful it must be.

"I'm taking you to Mr Schue, okay?" she suddenly stated. "Come on."

He had no physical affliction to get away with sleeping away at the nurse's office, but he could definitely see Mr Schue. His eyes were on the clock. Their lunch break was nearly over and done with. He was carrying around his books for his next class. He felt weightless and that the books were too heavy for him.

When Mr Schue saw how much of a mess Kurt was, he told Mercedes to close the door and to leave and thanked her for bringing him over.

Mr Schue put up a few biscuits and Kurt was quick to swipe one from the table. Crumbly chocolate-chip cookies that usually made him feel better. He took a mouthful and it tasted like sawdust. He was angry about not being really able to taste the biscuit. He hated it. He absolutely hated it.

"Kurt?" Mr Schue called out in a soft voice. "What's wrong?"

Kurt didn't know what was wrong. "I don't know," his voice was chalky, scratchy even. "It's just been this way ever since Sebastian died. I don't know what's wrong. It's just that I feel like I was responsible for it."

"What?" Mr Schue's voice was soft as he clasped Kurt's shoulder. "Kurt, you were definitely not responsible for whatever Sebastian did to himself. You know that."

"No, I don't." Kurt honestly stated. "I don't feel like I do at least."

Kurt saw Mr Schue frown, and then sigh deeply and dramatically. "I need you to go to Emma tomorrow," Mr Schue insisted.

"So, what?" Kurt's voice was deeply dripping with anger. "So, she can give me a pamphlet and send me on my way?" he felt tears fill his eyes all over again.

Mr Schue seemed a bit startled. "Kurt, you know it's not like that."

"No, I don't." Kurt shook his head. "Show me that it's not like that. I don't know what I'm doing or thinking or anything. I'm just stuck."

"Stuck where?" Mr Schue suddenly asked.

"Somewhere I don't think I can get out of," Kurt fluently responded, standing up from his position. "Now, I'm late for English and I want a slip, alright?" He'd rather not sit here and talk to him any longer.

Mr Schue nodded and was quick to write him a slip for the class. Kurt headed off, not really wanting to attend the class. He was glad he was able to cut a significant amount of time from Mr Schue's confrontation.

Kurt's mind was a boggle of fog when he was sitting there, thinking about Sebastian continuously. He wondered why his fixation had just seemed to get worse over time. Just after the class finished, he bolted. He'd been writing whatever the man was writing on the board, even though he was sure he had the same set of notes written about three different ways.

He'd wandered towards the bathroom, planning on skipping Glee. Kurt knew Sebastian knew he had Glee.

Kurt felt a kind of coldness that came with hiding himself in a bathroom. He opened up Sebastian's phone and looked at the first note. He didn't know if he should read them or not.

He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes tightly.

Okay. He was reading them.

He opened the first one. _Suicide Note No 1_. He didn't know what to expect. He tried to calm himself down enough before he read anything. Okay, he wasn't doing anything illegal. He needed to know. It wasn't by chance that he figured out what Sebastian was hiding away in one of the very rare moments he was gone.

Okay. Now, that he was calmer…

He looked down, trying to read every line as slowly as possible. _I have no bloody idea how people start suicide notes, so here it goes. I'd probably be the only person in existence to write a suicide note without really explaining or confessing something. I'm too bloody ashamed to tell anyone what's bothering me, even if it's the very thing that'll one day make me off myself. Heh. Only Sebastian Smythe, right? I won't tell you what is bothering me, but I'll give you little hints. Here's the first one: if it's about the fact that my twin used to decorate me with bruises and cuts, you're far off (oh, and if you didn't even know I had a twin, better.) Why should I give a shit about it? He's dead. He died a few days ago. Am I sad about it? No. Are my parents acting like I'm a devil child for not being sad about it? Huh. Yeah. My Mother won't even look at me. It's really fucking funny. He's dead and you're blaming his death on me? I didn't kill him. His horrible lack of driving skills killed him as far as I'm concerned! I didn't make it seem like I gave a fuck about whether he was dead or not. In fact, I was stocked. So, if I'm so happy about my twin dying, what else is left? Nothing. So, yeah, I'm killing myself over nothing. Goodbye. Good riddance. _

Kurt didn't feel any better reading that. In fact, now, he was suspicious. He'd been so sure that Thomas' abuse might actually have some sort of effect on him and he believed that there was no way that Sebastian was lying in that note.

Another issue came up. Sebastian's Mother. So far, he knew Jean knew, but he was unsure of whether or not she knew. In fact, somehow, Kurt didn't even think that Sebastian had a family outside of Jean.

He had left the bathroom, and thought of calling Sebastian's Mother. He was looking through Sebastian's contacts and his heart ached.

All of those people that had known Sebastian at some point or another. It hurt him. It honestly did, to think they'd have to hear about his suicide. He was quick to find Sebastian's Mother's number. He pursed his lips. He wondered if he should confront Jean about it. Yes. That sounded better.

He called Jean, which made him feel less anxious. "Hello?" he had gone down to the parking lot, because he did not want Glee club members to ambush him.

"Kurt?" Jean had guessed. "You might want to call me on your other phone next time. I do not like seeing 'Sebastian' on my phone screen just when I am trying to do my work. You might just have induced a heart attack in me," he chuckled lightly.

"What are you doing?" Kurt turned around to see Sebastian was staring at him, raising an eyebrow and cocking his head to one side.

"Oh, yes, Mr Smythe," Kurt smiled weakly almost as if the man could see him. "A thought just occurred to me. Unfortunately for you, it is going to be related to Sebastian."

"I've guessed that much," the man sounded like he was dreading whatever Kurt was going to ask.

"Does Sebastian's Mother know about Sebastian by any chance?" Kurt decided to spit it out, not be nice or anything.

"Um…uh…" he could nearly see Jean's hesitant face. "No. Not really."

Kurt could tell. "Um, do you want me to tell her?" fuck. He didn't know why he offered.

"Would you?" he sounded hopeful. "Oh, please. Please, do it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't imagine how she'd—_please_."

And now, he couldn't say no. "Of course, Mr Smythe. I'd be glad to."

"I'll send you an address with this number," Jean insisted. "I think it's quite impolite to do it over the phone. She and I live in separate houses after the divorce, and she's been texting me constantly on when she can have Sebastian over. She's actually texted me a while ago, so she is completely clueless and I couldn't…please."

"Yes, of course," Kurt repeated his earlier statement, unsure what to say.

"You're brilliant, Kurt. You're honestly fairly brilliant. I appreciate this quite a bit and I hold this quite dearly to myself," Jean explained, his voice dripping with appreciation. "I don't know what I would've done if she'd texted me another time. Alright. I'll end the call now. You'll receive an address shortly."

Kurt was still smiling quite awkwardly, even more so now that he saw Sebastian's facial expression. He did not look happy or pleased at all.

Kurt had ended the call and in what seemed like seconds, he got a text message.

"You were talking to my Father," Sebastian had guessed that much. "Why?"

Kurt looked down at his feet. "Well, to talk to your Mother," he expressed. "Because it just hit me that we've not mentioned her at all and apparently, he didn't talk to her so—"

"So, you're talking to her for him, right?" Sebastian seemed to find this hilarious. He was giddy and looking momentarily insane. "Fuck him. He's going to crush her adorable spirits. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him."

"I wouldn't blame him," Kurt said after some time. "Sebastian, you have absolutely crushed the man's spirits."

"Yeah, by offing myself," Sebastian rolled his eyes. "If people were really sad about me offing myself, you'd think they'd try to do something to ensure that I don't when I was fucking alive. Huh? Huh? Huh? _Whatever_."

Kurt knew Sebastian was upset, but he couldn't fathom just how much. He was shaking, as if he was trying to contain himself. It was painful to see him like that. Sebastian's eyes were filling up with tears, and Kurt felt his heart racing. Sebastian was shaking his head.

"No. No. No. _No_." Sebastian sounded so fragile that Kurt was afraid to come close to him in case he'd break him into pieces.

Sebastian looked straight into Kurt's face, his green eyes glinting with tears. "Help me," it wasn't a demand. It was soft. Sebastian was begging. In any other situation, Kurt would've found this funny, but in this situation, it just broke his heart.

Sebastian started to laugh. "You can't help me," he said, his voice weak and small. "No one can."

He promptly disappeared after that. Kurt wished it was just him being invisible, but no, he'd gone off completely. Everything felt warmer though now, Kurt had taken a strange solace with the cold. He did not want Sebastian to isolate himself even after his own death. That just sounded incredibly morbid.

Kurt waited for Sebastian to return but found no signs of him actually coming back. Not a chill, nothing.

He turned around to leave and go home. Sebastian would be at home now, right? He didn't want to go to Sebastian's Mother's house just yet. He didn't even know a name for her yet.

Then he went home and realised that Sebastian's wasn't at home either. That was when he was freaked out.

Apparently, it was only five minutes after Kurt went home that Finn arrived. Kurt was making a peanut butter and jam sandwich to calm himself down and Finn was just staring from the doorway. "Kurt, dude, you totally missed Glee. Mr Schue was asking where you were and stuff."

"Not interested," Kurt said, spreading more peanut butter on the slice of bread he had before turning around and getting another two slices. Why not make it two sandwiches? Yes. Two sandwiches.

Finn was staring at Kurt as if he'd grown two heads. Thankfully, he dropped it. "Can you make me one?"

Kurt nodded his head. "Take the one I just made."

Finn seemed to perk up and take the sandwich that Kurt had made before leaving. Thank fuck for peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Thank fuck. Kurt had calmed down significantly. He'd just marred his peanut butter with more jam, wondering when and if Sebastian was going to come back.

No. He had to come back, right?

The thought of Sebastian not coming back was making Kurt feel slightly ill. He waited a few hours, did his homework, had dinner and went to bed, panicking over the fact that he'd not yet seen a sign of Sebastian yet. When he woke up that morning, it was in humidity.

Sebastian was not there and he didn't even know why.

Kurt was wondering if this was the moment he'd realised that maybe he dreamed up ghost Sebastian up, and he was hoping for something that just didn't exist.

Kurt was flipping through different sweaters when he suddenly felt cold again, he ignored the feeling.

Kurt had pulled out a black one and a blue one, wondering which one he should wear.

"Red one just behind the fugly gay sweater you have in front of it," Kurt turned around immediately to see Sebastian floating absent-mindedly. Kurt didn't want to know what happened to him yesterday. His eyes were still bloodshot, and he still looked incredibly grey and tired.

Kurt picked off that one and wore it. He was staring at Sebastian for a few moments. "What happened yesterday?"

"Nothing," Sebastian sounded angry at the question.

Kurt shook his head. "You're horrible at lying," he decided to say.

"I'm not lying," Sebastian completely and utterly lied. Kurt rolled his eyes. Yeah, he'd believe that in never. "Fuck off."

Kurt decided not to press on the issue. "I missed you yesterday. I miss you whenever you're not around in fact," he smiled weakly, looking up at him. "I think people have been noting how alienated I have been as well."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Yeah. That's bad. You don't want to end up being a loner, Hummel."

Kurt didn't comment on that either. "I'm going to see your Mother today and tell her about you. Are you coming?" Sebastian didn't respond to that, but Kurt had a feeling that he'd show up anyway. Kurt paused for a moment, moving towards Sebastian and placing a hand on his shoulder. "I never notice what you're wearing anymore. Old wardrobe?"

Kurt remembered seeing that particular shirt and pair of pants in Sebastian's closet when he and Blaine had been clearing it out. Sebastian slowly but surely nodded his head.

"Yeah," Sebastian responded. "Can I come with you? Today? To school?"

Kurt wasn't sure why Sebastian was asking but nodded his head. "But only today, okay?" he needed days without Sebastian just to read the suicide notes on his phone. He didn't want Sebastian to figure out that Kurt had figured it all out after all.

Sebastian slowly nodded his head. "Okay."

Sebastian ended up coming with him to school just as he said he would. He sat beside his desks, and made pen and papers materialise from out of nowhere. A glance at the paper told Kurt that Sebastian was drawing. He'd spent the whole day drawing whatever it was he was drawing and Kurt tried to focus on classes. It was a hard feat.

Sebastian sat with him during lunch. It was strange having Sebastian there.

Blaine had moved a bit closer to him, staring at him with big hazel eyes. "Hey, Kurt," he placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He expected a response from Sebastian but there was none. Kurt just shrugged. "Nothing, Bee."

Blaine frowned. "You've been so distant these days. I've not managed to talk to you in a while. You don't respond to text messages and I have to make sure you're okay. Are you okay?"

Kurt nodded his head. "I'm just fine." He insisted.

"Okay, good," Blaine offered him a smile that told Kurt only one thing: _I know you're lying_. "We should go have dinner this weekend. You and me. Just us. How does that sound like?"

Kurt nodded his head. "Yeah. It sounds good."

"Good," Blaine offered him another smile. "Kurt, you know you can tell me whatever it is that's bothering you, right because I know you're lying?"

"I know," Kurt nodded his head again, but he saw Blaine's smile drop. Usually, that would be enough for Kurt to say something. He turned to his salad, a mass of lettuce, cucumbers, chicken and corn which was slathered in some sort of lite-dressing. He was playing around with it and the brownie he'd gotten on the side looked even less appealing than usual.

Kurt suddenly looked up at the salad and in a spur of a moment, he seemed to remember his and Sebastian's conversation that night. About Kurt not being happy with the relationship.

He had been feeling empty these days, in some sort of strange way. He'd not been eating as much, and he'd not been sleeping as much either – people were commenting on it. People thought that there was something incredibly wrong with him.

Kurt felt like there was something incredibly wrong with him. For the first time since he'd seen ghostly Sebastian in weeks, he'd started to question whether or not that Sebastian was a ghost or if Kurt made him a ghost. Sometimes, the logical side of him tided over.

He had Sebastian's phone. Which hade the notes, the notes that Kurt wouldn't have known existed had it not been for Sebastian telling him that he'd written some before. This was not coincidence. He did not make up Sebastian.

He couldn't have made up a story if it had actual evidence, things that Kurt saw all the time. In this case, it was Sebastian's phone and laptop. The story behind those were linked to the ghostly Sebastian, meaning that the ghost just had to be real.

Kurt had finished off lunch and then he'd gone to his class again. Yet again, Sebastian went back to drawing and Kurt tried to focus. He was growing steadily nervous over the fact that soon enough, he'd be forced to go to Sebastian's Mother's house. He'd stopped writing down notes and then made enough noise to get Sebastian's attention. Sebastian stood up and walked over towards Kurt. Kurt chose the time to write. _What is your Mother's name? _

Sebastian paused for a few moments, seemingly startled by the question. "Nathalie," he said.

"Nathalie," Kurt repeated to himself in a whisper. "That's such a lovely name."

Sebastian nodded his head. "She named me," he suddenly decided to add on. "We were twins so my Dad thought it would be cute for him to name one and her to name one. She named me. Tommy was named by my Dad."

Kurt smiled weakly at the thought of that. He could just imagine it. And then the bell rang. Kurt was feeling sick. He had to go to Nathalie's house now and he was completely certain of how much he didn't want to…

* * *

xo Peanut Butter/Sam


	6. Pressure

Chapter Six

_Pressure_

* * *

Kurt ended up by her door at around four pm. He was feeling progressively light-headed and confused. He had no actual reason as to why he was going to ruin this poor woman's self-confidence either by telling her about how her son had died.

Kurt had knocked on the door. The mansion was big. He could tell that much. He didn't even walk in and he could tell that it was huge.

What opened the door could only be described as a porcelain doll. She had a height that was correspondent to Sebastian's, incredibly tall and her hair was a bobble of blonde curls. She looked like a typical 70s housewife, with her polka-dotted red and white dress and an apron tied to her waist.

She smelled strongly of macadamia nut cookies and fresh ginger.

"Hello," Kurt introduced himself. "My name is Kurt Hummel. I'm one of Sebastian's friends. I'm here…um…well, Mr Smythe sent me because there's something he has to tell you but he is honestly in such a state he doesn't think he'd be able to and I offered to tell him for you."

"Oh, alright. Come in then," she gestured for Kurt to follow her.

Kurt sat down on the couch and she told him to stay there for a while. Kurt nodded his head, not wanting to go against the woman's wishes. She came back with quite a bit of macadamia nut cookies, some tea and scones.

"Okay," she sat down, fixing her dress. "What is it that you have to tell me?"

"It's about Sebastian," Kurt said, watching her nod her head. The ghost Sebastian seemed to want to shrink in his position. He sat down on the couch, staring at the array of cookies in front of him.

"That's white chocolate?" Sebastian asked, inspecting the biscuits. "She never made these before."

She nodded her head, waiting for him to say it.

"It's been a few weeks, but…um… I'm so sorry but…I just…" Kurt rubbed his hair.

There was no easy way to say it so he just said it. "Sebastian died just a bit before Halloween."

The woman looked like she'd lost the ability to breathe at that moment. He didn't know how she'd feel to be honest. She figured it out weeks afterwards. They were just about in mid-November at the moment.

"Okay, I'm going to have to leave for a bit, okay? Just a bit." She stood up. "I'll be back in a bit, okay? You're such a sweet child. Such a sweet child. Your Mother must be very lucky. Yes, she must be very lucky."

Kurt bit back his tongue. This was not a good time to tell her that her Mother was dead. He believed it would easily be the last straw before she broke down and cried in front of him.

She had practically bolted upstairs.

"Get up, Hummel and go after her!" Sebastian exclaimed. "You don't understand. You leave my Mother to wallow in her own misery? That's fucking horrible. She needs someone. Anyone."

Kurt was about to interject. He didn't know how to calm her down, or anyone down.

"Kurt, _please_," Sebastian begged. "Please."

Kurt finally nodded his head and ascended upstairs to see the woman crying by her bedside. He felt his heart sink in his chest. He moved towards her and was just about to explain why he was there before she wrapped her arms around him and cried into his sweater.

Kurt just awkwardly sat there, holding a woman he had never seen before until today whom was crying incessantly. Her make-up had run down. Kurt had leaned forward to grab the tissue box on the table and she used it to wipe away her make-up and tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm not like this normally towards guests…it's just that…" she just shook her head.

"I'm sorry," Kurt's voice was a soft whisper.

She looked up at Kurt for some time. "Do you know what happened?" her voice was a very soft whisper. "I won't cry anymore. I just…I need to know."

Kurt pursed his lips. He didn't know how to tell her.

Nathalie just looked away for a while. "I lost another son too, not recently but a few years ago. His name is Thomas. He was Sebastian's twin. I heard that twins don't live for long without each other, but I never know, not really. Sebastian never liked Thomas, he never did…"

She shook her head. "Tommy died of a car crash and I wouldn't look at Sebastian the same afterwards, because he seemed so happy about it. I never…never asked why he was so happy. I yelled at him too much. I didn't spend a lot of time with him as I should've. He'd changed _so_ much a few months after Tommy's death. He kept to himself a lot. He wouldn't talk to me. He wouldn't talk to his Father about it but there was something gnawing at him and we could all tell."

Nathalie just placed a hand on her mouth. "Do you know what happened to Sebastian in the last few months? It just got worse. He got into a lot of trouble for bullying before and we shouted at him a lot. I think we've scared him a lot. We got him a therapist. Once, she asked me if Sebastian was doing okay on his pills, and I asked her 'what pills?' And she told me she gave him all kinds of prescriptions. I talked to him about it a week before Halloween. He was so miserable. He and I were yelling at each other. We always fight. It's impossible to have a civil conversation with Sebastian. He will turn it into a fight."

Kurt nodded his head, not sure of what to say.

"What happened, Kurt?" she remembered his name. "Please tell me how he died. Please tell me what happened."

Kurt could never do well with begging. He shut his eyes. "He shot himself."

"You know what I feel, Kurt?" she said but tears were filling her eyes again. "I feel very numb. It's not registering in my head. It's not. It's just…can you go and I'll call you later? I can call you, right?"

"I have Sebastian's old phone with me," Kurt explained. "It's a long story but I wanted to keep it and Jean did not want to throw it away. You can contact me on that."

"Oh, yes, it'll be nice to call him again. Even if it's you responding. It'll be nice." She was weeping once more. "Thank you, Kurt. You're so lovely, so, so lovely."

Kurt had left the household after that, unsure of what to think about everything. He did notice Sebastian was standing there, looking spiteful. He looked angry. He didn't look like he cared at all about his Mother but at the same time, he did. The whole family was torn apart, and Kurt just felt the need to yell about the fact that he was talking to Sebastian constantly. It wasn't fair to other people. Kurt was exceptionally lucky, or he was exceptionally not to have Sebastian around.

Kurt looked up to see Sebastian floating, pursing his lips.

"I want to hold her," he confessed, shaking his head. "I _can't_."

Kurt decided to say nothing to that. He tried to bite his lips, because otherwise, he'd end up saying something along the lines of Sebastian shouldn't have killed himself if he didn't want to see her in pain. He just stared at Sebastian for some time before nodding his head in an understanding manner.

"I know," his voice was soft now.

He sped off to go home, and fell asleep the second that his head hit the pillow. He was exhausted. He wouldn't lie about that. He woke up exhausted. In his whole existence, he was exhausted.

He saw Sebastian sitting there, and he was pointing to a box of tissues. It was only when Kurt had taken the box that he realised that his eyes were filling with hot, prickly tears.

"I don't know why I'm crying," Kurt said in all honesty, to what felt like air at the moment, as if Sebastian was just in a gaseous state and not solid enough.

Sebastian nodded his head. "I know."

Kurt was pissed off. "What do you know?" his voice was teetering with anger. He saw how alert Sebastian was, and Kurt felt his hands shaking. He didn't know why the emptiness just seemed to become so much more adamant and he was crying. He looked over at the clock. It was five am. He was okay.

He cried a bit more, and wiped away his tears. It pissed him off that he didn't know why he was crying. He felt overwhelmed and confused, and he felt like his entire body was a burden.

"What's happening to me?" Kurt announced, his voice high and tearful. "What's happening to me?" he repeated.

Sebastian looked like he was honestly effected by Kurt's sudden melancholia. "It'll pass, okay?" Sebastian promised. "It'll pass. Fuck it. It'll pass."

It took a few more minutes for Kurt to stop crying, but he did. Sebastian was looking oddly compassionate and he was right. Whatever was wrong with him had passed in minutes. "What was that?" Kurt asked, his voice low.

Sebastian looked down at the bed, and pursed his lips. "You're depressed, K. Clinically, I mean."

Kurt looked at Sebastian for some time. "Were you depressed? Clinically?"

"No," Sebastian snorted, shaking his head. "No, K. I wasn't. I was…I was bipolar. Type two. That kind of shit, you know?" he sounded so odd to Kurt's ear. It wasn't a tone that Kurt was used to associating with Sebastian.

Kurt looked at him for some time. "Is that why you killed yourself?"

Sebastian didn't respond for a few moments, but he slowly but surely nodded his head. "Yeah, K. Yeah," he placed a hand on his knee, not meeting Kurt's eye.

"You've never told anyone," Kurt said it like it was a statement. "Not anyone."

Sebastian nodded his head. "Not anyone," he repeated Kurt's statement.

Kurt nodded his head. "Thanks for telling me," he felt considerably better. He'd cracked the code without having to read the rest of the letters, but then his heart swelled up with pain. "You were ashamed of this?"

Sebastian snorted. "Rich kid with loads of love and can get whatever the fuck he wants, talented as shit – what's he got to complain about?" he raised an eyebrow.

Kurt saw where Sebastian was coming from, but he also believed that Sebastian's isolation about his bipolarity were due to his arrogance and belief that nothing bad could happen to him.

Kurt smiled weakly. "Mediocre kid that's gone through bullying, has a whole future ahead of him, with an amazing boyfriend that would do whatever he wants – what's he got to complain about?" he repeated Sebastian's statement. "Do you see where you're impaired at the moment?"

Sebastian nodded his head. "Doesn't change anything."

"I know," Kurt automatically said.

Sebastian just stared at Kurt. "How do you feel?" he suddenly asked. Kurt was just analysing Sebastian's facial expression – he did honestly get it. Kurt felt like he was hit by a truck, tired and restless, like a part of him was missing. He didn't know what was wrong, just that his eyes felt like welling up with tears, just like the world was going to explode but nobody was aware of it happening.

His world felt like it was slipping with his fingers, but it wasn't. He didn't know how to describe it, or explain it. He was completely overwhelmed.

"I feel everything," Kurt said, he felt his heart swell up with an ache he couldn't explain either. "I feel everything bad."

Kurt then decided to ask, "What do you do when you feel like this?"

Sebastian snorted. "Nothing. How do you think I ended up dead?"

Somehow, that statement made Kurt's heart ache. He still didn't understand, even when he was overwhelmed with so much low emotions. He stared at Sebastian for the longest of time, trying to understand what Sebastian was trying to get at.

"I don't think it's a problem," Kurt announced, shaking his head. "It's nothing. It's just grief. You just died for God's sake, Sebastian."

"I thought you didn't believe in God," Sebastian's voice was a whisper as he spoke, almost as if he really wanted to say something else but he didn't.

Kurt decided to ignore that entirely. "You died. And I'm grieving."

"I don't believe you," Sebastian finally stated. "I think you're getting sick like me. I think that's why I was so drawn to showing myself to you. I think that you're not just unhappy with you and Blaine's relationship. I think you're becoming unhappy with everything. One day, you're going to get into that amazing fucking ugly ass music school of yours, and you're going to look down and realise that you don't feel anything. You know why, Hummel? Because I was there. I know. Don't make excuses. You're in pain and you're depressed."

"I'm not making excuses," Kurt insisted. "I'm just not depressed, Sebastian! I'm fine. I'm _fine_. I'm just grieving."

Sebastian was laughing, and then his face had fixated onto quite an angry facial expression. "Nobody grieves for me. I'm nothing," he spat out, before he disappeared again.

The coldness in the room was gone and Kurt was left with his thoughts. He didn't want to be left along with his thoughts.

Surely, he'd know if he had some sort of mood disorder, right? He'd know. He didn't think he was so deluded that he'd not notice himself changing in that way.

That night, he had no nightmares. He slept just fine, which just ensured Kurt in his mind that he was fine. He went downstairs and he ate breakfast just like he normally would – two waffles with non-fat whipped cream, berries, and a slice of toast with peanut butter.

He was fine.

Then progressively, the emptiness just was there. He didn't know how to ignore it. He wanted to yell instead. He hated it. Sebastian hadn't gone to school with him that day and he was glad. He hadn't seen Sebastian since last night, when he'd denied the existence of his 'depression'. It didn't exist. Sebastian was too rash to call him out on it so early on.

Kurt had gone to school. At lunch, he didn't really eat much. He'd avoided most of the Glee members for a need to be in his own solitude.

He went to the bathroom during Glee instead of actually attending it to read Sebastian's suicide notes. Only twenty-six more to go. He opened up one of them, which only validated what Sebastian had told him last night: _I'm a fucking type two bipolar. That's why I want to off myself, because I'm fucked. Nobody wants to fuck me. You know how people always assume shit about you? They know I've dated a lot. That's not a lie. I've never had sex. People leave you when they figure out you're mentally unstable. I want to leave them. This is all everyone's fault. I hate everything. I hate everything. I want to die, so you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to off myself. Bye. _This one made Kurt feel a lot more dejected than he'd been all day. He looked at his clock.

Tonight, he had a date with Blaine. When he went home, he fell asleep. When he woke up, he realised he should get ready.

Normally, when he only had an hour before he had to meet up with Blaine, he'd be manically looking for clothing. He didn't care. He waited for Sebastian to appear, feeling really empty. He looked through the clothes and found himself wiping his tears with one of his old sweaters.

He wore something that Sebastian told him looked fine on him – which was as plain and as lacking of Kurt as it could get, a pair of pants and a hoodie. For a date.

Honestly, Kurt didn't even care. It was comfortable. He didn't feel like dressing up all fancy for Breadstix.

Blaine texted him and told him that he'd be at his house soon afterwards. Kurt went downstairs, and Burt was staring at him for the longest of time.

"You gonna take out the trash?" Burt asked, raising an eyebrow. "Or craving one of them cashew lattes?"

The hoodie and pants combo were known as 'taking out the trash' or 'going to a local café with sunglasses so that nobody would recognise me' look.

"Almond lattes," Kurt pressed on. "And no, I'm actually waiting on Blaine. We're going on a date to Breadstix."

"And you're wearing that?" Burt gestured towards Kurt.

Kurt raised an eyebrow, as he turned to look at his Father, whom looked completely confused. "Yes. Do you have a problem with my clothing? Do you want me to go upstairs and wear something else?" he sounded colder. He felt his blood boil.

"Kid, what's up with you?" Burt didn't seem to understand Kurt's quick and rash mood change.

Kurt shrugged. "I don't know," he honestly said. He turned around to leave. He waited until Blaine came around and when he did, his hazel eyes practically widened. "If you're going to make a comment about what I'm wearing, I will hurt you, Anderson."

Blaine just shook his head. "It's fine," he insisted. "It's just…different."

Kurt had gotten into Blaine's car. The car ride was silent and eerie. Kurt was just about to tell Blaine to turn off the air conditioning when he noticed it wasn't on. In fact, Kurt immediately realised Sebastian was definitely with them at that moment in time.

"Do it," Sebastian decided to show himself and validate his existence to Kurt. "Break up with him tonight. Do it."

Kurt said nothing to that, he just continued to purse his lips. He had no idea if he should.

"What?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Afraid that ghostly me is going to jump your very alive boyfriend? Come on, K. Just do it."

Kurt ignored Sebastian's comment. Blaine and Kurt had gone off to Breadstix. Normally, Kurt would've ordered a salad and then a type of cake afterwards. He wanted neither. He wanted a proper dinner, so he just ordered spaghetti.

Blaine smiled and ordered the same as him. "Kurt and spaghetti. I thought you were on a life-long diet." He was trying to joke, but his attempts at joking just made Kurt angry.

Kurt said nothing in turn, because if he spoke, he would've snapped.

Blaine frowned. "What's wrong with you, Kurt? You're worrying me."

"Nothing," Kurt insisted. Sebastian seemed to conjure up a chair and sit in between them. He looked at Kurt, nearly pressuring him to end their futile relationship at the moment. Kurt wanted to tell Sebastian to go away, but he couldn't without attracting too much attention.

If he'd gotten on his phone right then, Blaine would've asked him why. To write to a ghost was not a plausible answer.

"You've been acting weird ever since Sebastian died," Blaine announced, his voice high.

"I know," Kurt stated, but didn't add anything to it. They sat in more silence until their food came. Kurt took a few bites of his food before he decided he was done with it. Blaine had cleared his plate whilst still looking at Kurt, waiting for him to take another bite.

They paid and they left. Blaine seemed to think a quick stroll was going to make things better for Kurt. It only made things worse.

Kurt was in his mind mostly throughout the stroll. Blaine was talking to him but Kurt was blocking him out entirely, just sitting there in his mind.

Kurt was grabbed by his shoulders, brought out of his reverie and shaken.

"Kurt!" Blaine sounded angry now, not considerate. "Why are you acting like this? What's bothering you so bad that you can't tell me?"

"_Tell him_!" Sebastian exclaimed from where he was standing. "_Tell him! Tell him! Tell him!"_

"I'm unhappy with this relationship," Kurt suddenly spat out. "I want it to end. I want it all to end. I want to be left alone! You said I changed after Sebastian's death and yes, I have. I realised I wasn't happy with this relationship after a strong reflection and I have been avoiding you for it."

"And what about the rest of the Glee club?" Blaine suddenly decided to chime back. "Kurt, you're not the only person in the world that has been effected by Sebastian's death. Stop acting like you're the only person that's in pain, because you aren't. You're hurting me. You can't throw our relationship all away just because you're feeling a little sad after—"

"_Leave me alone_!" Kurt exclaimed.

"Fine!" Blaine finally gave up. "Don't talk to me, Kurt. Just don't talk to me anymore. You've proved your point."

After Blaine was leaving, Kurt was suddenly hit with a rush of emotion he didn't know how to explain. He felt like collapsing on his knees. He made his way to a bench and collapsed there, feeling tears rush to his eyes. He cried whilst texting his Father to come pick him up.

_Why? Isn't Blaine taking you? _

Kurt just told him to just come. He didn't want to explain anything. His chest was tightening. He felt like he was going to die alone. He felt like nothing else mattered anymore. He cried. He cried so hard that he felt like he was suffocating as his head pounded.

If he was miserable with Blaine, then he was ten times worse now that Blaine had left him. Nobody cared anymore. That was how Kurt had felt. And it was all his fault.

And Sebastian's fault. He couldn't help but Blaine the ghost for pressuring him to do this.

"Kurt, I…" Sebastian didn't expect Kurt to break down like that. His eyes were wide. "I—"

"_Leave me alone_!" Kurt suddenly yelled out into space. "_Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone_! I want to be left alone. Understand? So go. Go. Go away and don't come back."

Sebastian looked hurt by the statement. Great. Now, Kurt felt guilty for saying it. He felt guilty for hurting Blaine. He was overflowing in a sea of guilt.

"Okay," Sebastian said in a whisper before he disappeared completely.

Kurt wanted to tear into his skin. He wanted to throw himself off a bridge. He wanted to inflict as much bodily harm to himself as possible. No wonder Sebastian killed himself. Kurt honestly couldn't contain the feelings, the need to do something rash and on the spot, something that would injure him, something that would let others realise how much in pain he'd actually been.

He did nothing, as he curled up into a ball.

He went back to Breadstix to see his Father's car. He'd slipped in the back. Burt looked back at Kurt's face and frowned. "What happened, kid?"

"I broke up with Blaine and he said some awful things to me. I did too. I regret it," he gave Burt a quick overview of what had happened. He decided not to add on the statement 'I want to die' so he just turned to one side.

Burt nodded his head. "Do you want me to get you some food, kiddo? Comfort food?"

Kurt felt like puking at the thought of any kind of food. "No, I want to puke."

They drove back home and Kurt tried not to cry anymore. He did though. At first, it was soft and silent, and then it was full-on sobbing when he was in his room. Burt stayed there, just like he always did when Kurt was crying in that manner.

He fell asleep very late. He had a nightmare about being hit by a bus this time. Not a train. A bus. The lights still blaring into his vision. He didn't know why he dreamed of being hit.

He woke up that morning, feeling so tired and exhausted. He couldn't move for the life of him. He felt like he'd ran a marathon or something to that effect when Kurt had been avoiding the gym for years.

He turned to one side, the room was cold. "Come out, Sebastian." Kurt finally announced, his voice high.

Sebastian didn't show up, which made Kurt feel even emptier. He drove Sebastian away. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? To be left alone.

He didn't really do much all day. Burt tried to get him to eat something, but other than a brownie and a milkshake, Kurt couldn't stomach or didn't want much else. He stayed in his room for most of the day. Finn was walking around, mumbling death threats about Blaine for leaving Kurt in the state that he was.

Carole told him that it'll get better.

He didn't really speak to any of them. He stayed in his haze. He felt weak and tired. He slept at least seventeen hours that day but still woke up, tired and aching. He felt like his entire body was about to break and he didn't know how to explain it to anyone.

"I'm sorry." Kurt suddenly called out just before he went to sleep. He didn't know what for.

"About time, Hummel," he heard Sebastian say just behind him. "I was getting tired of waiting a distance for you to apologise for telling me to go away."

"You're an asshole," Kurt chimed. "Thanks for making me miserable."

"So this is how it's going to go? You're going to blame me for how miserable you are after you and Blaine broke up, huh?" he sat down just on the bed just beside Kurt. It was nearing one am and Kurt needed some quality sleep, which he realised he probably wasn't going to get.

"Yes," Kurt stated, not sure what that was supposed to mean. He couldn't blame himself for what he said under pressure. "Will you shut up? Please?"

Sebastian looked surprised at Kurt's coldness, but he did end stop talking. Kurt went to sleep that night, and he woke up from another one of those nightmares where he was dreaming of being run over. He realised that Sebastian was there, sitting on his bed, with tears rolling down his cheeks. His breathing was short and sharp, he was whimpering and crying out like he was being tortured. He looked like he was in a complete state of panic.

One thing that Kurt realised that he couldn't deny that Blaine was right about: he wasn't the only one that was in pain. He leaned forward, grabbing Sebastian's shoulder and heard him scream out loud. The sound made Kurt shocked as he was only attempting to comfort Sebastian.

He watched as Sebastian looked at him – and if Kurt hadn't seen him right then, he would've never believed that Sebastian Smythe could look so afraid of anything before, so weak and exposed.

"I want to die" Sebastian spat out. "But I'm already dead. But I'm not dead, you know? I want to die but I'm already dead…"

Sebastian laughed out loud and then he disappeared. Something was insanely bothering the brunette and Kurt didn't know, but he was determined to find out.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	7. Patisserie

_Warning for explicit mentioning of self-harm and possible future divulgence into that particular topic. _

* * *

Chapter Seven

_Patisserie  
_

* * *

Sebastian hadn't returned until late that night. Kurt had been getting awfully worried about him and Burt had been getting awfully worried about Kurt's sudden unresponsiveness when it came to films, food or even music.

Kurt just wasn't interested. He simply sat in his room in his own silence, trying to distract himself by any means possible.

Though it was risky, Kurt read Sebastian's third suicide note, which made him feel sick. It was on sentence, and he could nearly lead it as a plea. _Why didn't you help me? _Kurt felt even guiltier for yelling at Sebastian yesterday.

He went downstairs for dinner, and he was allowed to pick whatever he wanted according to Carole. Kurt just took the big liter tub of ice-cream, weak from not eating much in forty-eight hours and then headed back to his room. He took in mouthful of mouth-numbing ice-cream and didn't really want much else.

He wanted sugar, and he wanted something that didn't leave a horrendous aftertaste. Like ice-cream or milkshakes. He licked his lower lip, and ate more. He never really ever got sick of ice-cream, which was why he kept on going even when he'd eaten a good on half a liter's worth of ice-cream.

"What a sad sight," he heard Sebastian say just as he moved closer. Though the comment was exactly something Sebastian would make, his tone was reserved. He sounded small and weak.

Kurt stared at him for some time. "Come here," he'd outstretched his arms. Sebastian walked towards him, and Kurt tightly wrapped his arms around Sebastian's waist. He shuddered when he realised how thin Sebastian actually was. "Did you lose weight? You're a ghost."

"No, I died looking like this," he snorted, as he shook his head. "You just noticed the weight I lost at my worst I guess. I didn't put it back on and I look fucking ugly."

Somehow, the last statement made Kurt's heart ache more than anything else that Sebastian could say because one thing that he could confidently say about Sebastian was that he was a narcissist, but that statement just debunked Kurt's idea of Sebastian.

"Shocked, huh?" Sebastian said. "Hummel, there's nothing good about looking sick and I look _sick_. I didn't die in glamour or whatever. I died looking sick. And now, I have to look at it all the fucking time."

Sebastian's eyes filled with tears. "You know one thing I could always say about me? I had a good body, a hot one. I looked good. I didn't die looking good. Now, I've got fucking nothing. I'm not smart like you, Hummel. I'm not strong like Blaine. I'm weak, and I'm ugly too now."

Sebastian threw off the cap that he was wearing. Kurt hated that. He hated seeing exactly what Sebastian did to himself; just exactly how he shot himself.

"Look at me," Sebastian spat out. Kurt didn't expect Sebastian to throw off his pants and then his top, moving closer towards Kurt. "Look at me."

Kurt's heart was racing as he realised what he was faced with. Sebastian was definitely a cutter, and the thought of it made his stomach lurch just as he saw the crisscrossing of scars marrying his frame. His frame…he didn't even know how to pretend that it was okay that every bone in Sebastian's body was somehow faintly or prominently sticking out.

It didn't look like Sebastian at all. Kurt was afraid of what was in Sebastian's head all the time, the mutilation that his body had suffered – both through his hands and his mental abuse.

"How do I look, Kurt? How do I look?" Sebastian called out, his voice high and his tears still falling dramatically down his cheeks. "Gorgeous, right? Fucking hot. Complete 10 out of 10 would bang standards."

"I'm sorry," Kurt spat out, his voice trembling. He moved towards Sebastian and hugged him as tightly as possible. Sebastian responded back rather naturally, which felt like a first. It was the first genuine hold, one where Sebastian didn't want to let go and neither did Kurt.

Kurt brought him just a bit closer, smelling the scent of blood. Almost as if the wound was fresh. It made things feel more real. It made him scared, because he wondered if this would be him in the last few while considering Sebastian was so convinced that Kurt was depressed.

"You're not going to be like me," Sebastian said, his voice adamant and then he snorted. "I won't let it happen, K. I fucking swear to God if this is the only reason that I'm still on this Godforsaken Earth then I'm okay with it. If I was meant to help you, you know? I'll help you."

Kurt felt guilty now, abnormally so for betraying Sebastian behind his back and reading his suicide notes. It was a spur of the moment, and he just said it. "I've been reading the suicide notes that are on your phone. I know, Seb."

Sebastian seemed to go static and freeze under Kurt's touch when he heard that. He let out a sob, one that made Kurt's heart shake. "No." He said, shaking his head. "Please no."

Kurt still wasn't used to seeing Sebastian so vulnerable, so exposed. It killed him to think that Sebastian was like this in real life. Beyond that cocky exterior of his, this was how he was—a victim of his own demons, a cutter, and a boy that would end up killing himself, a boy that never _regretted_ killing himself.

"Fuck this," Sebastian suddenly spat out. "I hate this, K. I fucking hate this. I hate that you know. You're not going to show anyone, are you?"

"I don't know," Kurt honestly said. He felt like this was something that he'd had to show someone in the end, the pictures of Sebastian and his injuries with Thomas that he had on his laptop, the numerous suicide notes that explained everything that were on Sebastian's phone, the fact that he'd been struggling for so long. "I think I will. Don't you want your parents to know? To understand why their son suddenly just spontaneously shot himself?"

"No," Sebastian's voice was weak. "Because they'll blame themselves forever."

"If I were in their situation, that would be true but I'd rather be blaming myself forever than spend my whole life wondering where did it all go wrong," Kurt honestly announced.

He expected Sebastian to yell at him, but honestly, he just nodded his head. He looked miserable. "Okay."

Kurt hadn't even noticed that Sebastian was so cold anymore. He was too used to him being around. Sebastian had leaned in closer, and Kurt took it as a good sign that he trusted that he wasn't intruding on Kurt's personal space.

"K, can you do me a favour?" Sebastian said and Kurt didn't know what to think. He kept on staring at Sebastian's bony body and his cuts. He didn't know how Sebastian paraded around looking like this without anyone noticing that something was wrong. They really were right – a Dalton blazer really did hide everything. "It's a really stupid one, I promise."

Kurt nodded his head. "Yeah, Seb. Anything," he found himself being frightened about what Sebastian asked.

"Tell me you love me," Sebastian finally called out, causing Kurt to raise an eyebrow – above everything, he was not expecting that.

Sebastian looked away from Kurt immediately after he said it. "I know it'll be a lie, K. I just need to hear it, you know? From someone."

Kurt wanted to tell him that it wouldn't be a lie, but although he was attached to Sebastian, he wouldn't go so far as to say that he loved him. He wanted Sebastian to be happy, but he didn't love him per say.

"I'm sorry," Kurt whispered. "I can't lie to you."

He expected Sebastian to turn away in either anger or rage, and say something about how he hated Kurt but he didn't say anything. He just let Kurt hold him for a while. It was a long and painful night.

After some time, Kurt shifted to go to sleep. Sebastian was floating, still with his body exposed, his head unguarded without his cap. Kurt was staring up at him as he was floating in the air.

"Do you remember how and why your first cut happened?" Kurt asked, his voice soft. He'd never directly addressed Sebastian's cuts before.

Sebastian looked more than just a tad shocked, but slowly and surely nodded his head. "Yeah."

He waited until Sebastian said something, but then Kurt realised he wasn't going to get most of an answer. He turned to one side, wishing that Sebastian would tell him more about himself. He wanted to know more about Sebastian – in fact, he wanted to know _everything_ about Sebastian.

It was the same feeling he'd had when he first met Blaine. He just wanted to know everything about Blaine. He thought that Blaine was the most perfect person in the universe for that.

"I was fifteen," Kurt heard Sebastian say. He was surprised, he wasn't actually expecting Sebastian to launch into a story. "Tommy was out that night. I had the house all to my bloody self. I was so fucking happy…and then I wasn't. I don't know what happened or how it happened. One minute I wanted to shove off the facial hair that was starting to grow on my face, and the next few minutes, I was sitting in the bathtub with the razor in my hand and blood trickling down my wrist. I don't know how it happened."

Sebastian just swallowed the lump in his throat. "What I do know is that nobody noticed. Hell, I died without a soul knowing that I cut myself, not Tommy, not my parents – nobody, K. You know what that says to me? That nobody bothered trying."

Kurt didn't want to deny that. Sebastian was right. Nobody did bother trying finding out a thing about him and that killed the brunette on the inside.

"I'm sorry," Kurt suddenly stated for what felt like the millionth time that night. He was sorry not just for the fact that he didn't do anything, but for the fact that nobody around him seemed to notice such things. He would not give up until he brought Sebastian's life to light, until he made others realised just how much Sebastian suffered – that he didn't just get up and off himself for no reason.

Somehow, the day was so draining that Kurt ended up falling asleep practically before his head hit the pillow.

He woke up and was feeling a bit better. Sebastian was there but for the first time in a long time he didn't feel so bad about reading one of his suicide notes with him around. He opened up the notes. Sebastian was floating beside him, and his cold breath was on Kurt's neck.

He opened the fourth one and just read it to himself. _I lied—about how much alcohol I actually fucking drink all the time, and who I drink it with. I only drink alone, like really DRINK. I never drink in front of people. I'm as classy as shit with my drinking habits around people. Most nights, I'm alone. Funny thing is most nights I'm drunk too. If I ended up killing myself when intoxication, just know one thing—it was completely intentional. I was thinking about offing myself for so long that if I do it, it's not because I was drunk. Yeah. So this suicide note is just to confirm that it wasn't an accident. I'm going to open up my third bottle of champagne this week. It's another lonely night. Fuck this. I hate this. _

Kurt looked up to meet Sebastian's eyes just as he'd finished reading.

"That one was stupid," Sebastian insisted, as if a suicide note could be anything short of painful for Kurt to read. "It was just a shit night and I was alone and I drank too much and I wrote stupid shit…I don't know, Hummel. That one is just a fluke."

Kurt's eyes darted back down to the suicide note, his heart racing. "Did you ever take pictures of your cuts?" he immediately asked.

"Hummel, don't you dare," Sebastian hissed, his eyes wide. "If you're thinking of showing anyone the cuts on my body that you just 'found' on my laptop or on my phone, I'm going to _leave_. As in for good."

Kurt hardly believed that Sebastian could stay in Ohio without him. Speaking of Ohio, Kurt had just about barely been thinking about how Sebastian was going to cope in New York. If he was about to undergo a flight with him…Sebastian said that it was incredibly painful.

After he'd seen the stresses in the brunette's life, he wondered just how painful it was that Sebastian would rather stay in Ohio than go to Paris when it was all he seemed to want for so long.

Sebastian didn't make it hard for Kurt to realise how much he actually despised Ohio. In fact, the way he talked about it, it sounded like he'd do just about anything to get back home.

Kurt sighed. "Firstly, yes, I am planned on showing them the pictures I did find of your body which you just validated existed. Secondly, the only reason I'm doing this is not because I want to inflict harm on your family, but I suppose that this is just the time that the true of the _real_ Sebastian Smythe came out. Not out of spite, Sebastian—I'm doing this because I care about you and I refuse your suicide to be thought of as something that 'just' happened."

Kurt was rubbing his neck. "You deserve better than that."

Sebastian snorted. "I deserve nothing."

Kurt really didn't understand Sebastian's mood shifts, just that Sebastian's mood was making him feel sad and horrible right now. He'd felt so low, as if he was being sunk down the bottom of the ocean. There was something bleak about the atmosphere, about the words, and something that was overwhelming in its own essence—but wasn't.

Kurt didn't know how to describe it, but he did know that he detested the feeling more than anything.

"You deserve _everything_," Kurt didn't plan on saying it. It just slipped out of his mouth. He saw Sebastian stare at him in confusion, raising his eyebrow. "And I'm sorry you didn't get it."

Kurt fell asleep that night feeling exhausted and he woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and shaking. His heart was racing so quickly and tears were streaming down his cheeks. He'd had a nightmare, one of those nightmares that followed him around and made him want to die. He didn't know how to calm himself down, all he knew was that he had to hurt himself.

He wanted to flip himself into the wall. He was thinking about ways he could hurt himself—he didn't want to die, but if he was going to be run over by a truck, he wouldn't really care.

He felt arms wrap around him and turned to see Sebastian lying down beside him, pressing his head against his shoulder. He'd managed to avoid Blaine and Glee club for as much as he could in the past two days and having Sebastian so close to him made him feel like they'd constructed a world of their own, where Mercedes and Rachel weren't his best friends and one where nothing really did matter.

Sebastian wasn't responding as he should've. He seemed stoic and tired, but he was still holding onto Kurt all the same. He wondered how things were like for Sebastian, how it must feel like to not sleep and not be able to communicate with most of the living anymore.

Somehow, he'd fallen asleep again and he only seemed to wake up when Sebastian was shaking him awake that morning. Kurt had sprung up and looked at his clock. He'd only had fifteen minutes to get ready for school.

He literally wore anything that he saw, and it wasn't colour-coordinated. He looked horrible, his hair was a mess. He was quick to catch a ride with his Father, because for the life of him, he had no idea where he put his stupid keys!

He did not want to be late. This was not the time to ruin his perfect school attendance. His Glee attendance, however, was starting to lack and suffer. However, he knew that today, he was going…and he was already dreading the questions he'd get.

He'd adjusted Burt's mirror to be able to look at himself, a habit he'd always done when he was more so self-conscious of his appearance. Right now, he just wanted to see how terrible he looked.

He cringed for so he looked even worse than he thought. His hair was nowhere near styled and he was sure his Father could tell, and if it didn't go past Burt Hummel then everyone would notice. His pants were baggy, and he was wearing a t-shirt that he precisely only wore when he was eating too much sugary crap and didn't want to see his bloated tummy when he looked down mid-junk food fest.

This was at least the third time this week that he didn't even bother to look good when going out. As a result, he felt so exposed. He'd felt nearly naked, and self-conscious. He hated how repulsive and ugly he looked like without his proper skin regimes and his styling techniques, as well as his loud and flamboyant clothing.

He felt like he didn't look like himself at all, even more so than usual.

"What's been going on with you, kid?" Kurt suddenly heard Burt ask. He turned to see the man staring at him, his eyes transfixed with worry. "You've not been shopping or dressing up in fancy clothes. You've been distant. You've not been eating much, and you're looking pretty damn pale."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. I believe I have a right to be upset for a little while," Kurt insisted, looking back at the window.

Burt just looked back at the road. "It's eating you up, kiddo. I'm just scared there's something else on your mind, because from what I know, you've been starting to act weird for a while."

"It's the last year of school and I'm underneath an overwhelming amount of stress," Kurt insisted, his voice low. "What with having to finish off various applications and forms, along with Blaine's break-up and Sebastian's impromptu suicide. I've had too much to think about."

Burt nodded his head slowly. "You know, I'm here, right? If you need anything, Kurt. I really care about you, you know?"

Kurt nodded his head. "I know," but he felt like he didn't know. He felt like he couldn't talk to anyone about it despite them telling him that they were always there for him.

He heard a whistle, and turned around abruptly to see Sebastian sitting there, smirking at him. "You're looking hot, Hummel," he joked. "Almost didn't recognise you considering your shirt isn't bedazzled or sparkly or crap like that."

Kurt turned, opening his phone and writing down his response. _You just opened up to me, and now, you're acting like a complete jackass again. Of course._

"I am a jackass, K," Sebastian commented from behind. "Just because I've opened up to you or whatever doesn't mean that that saves you from the fact that I'm going to make fun of you every chance I get."

_You're perky_, Kurt typed out.

Sebastian was just grinning. "Well, I am bipolar, K. That's one. Secondly, even in depression, you aren't completely depressed about one million percent of the time. That's a myth. Hell, the _worst _part of any depression is feeling okay one day and then the next day, you're not and you're so fucking fed up of it."

Kurt didn't know how Sebastian could talk about it and sound so _neutral_. It confused him to no end.

"You'll get it after some time," Sebastian suddenly said and then leaned forward. "Show me your games, K. On your phone."

_Games?_ Kurt typed out. _I don't play games on my phone, Sebastian._

"That's why you're depressed," Sebastian snorted. "Hummel, there's nothing better than pulling your phone up and wasting time on some shitty games. You should play Temple Run…or maybe not. It'll just piss you off. It pisses me off."

Kurt rolled his eyes, deciding not to comment on either of those things. He just turned his head around and looked outside.

"Maybe you should sit today out," Burt said, just as they were five minutes away from nearing the school. "We should go out, just you and me. One and one. We've not gone out in some time, you know? And you can ditch a day of school, you know?"

"You're trying to make me ditch school?" Kurt did not understand this much. He was nodding his head. "Please." He didn't want to face Blaine, or any of the New Directions. At least with this, he had another reason to delay it.

Burt laughed. "Alright, kid. I'm going to phone them and tell them you're sick."

"Your Dad is awesome," Sebastian announced from the back. "Tell him to take you to the bakery he just passed. The cakes there are lush. Fuck. You're unhappy, Hummel. You need good cake in your life."

_I am not unhappy_, Kurt typed back out to Sebastian, though he did feel empty. He didn't know whether or not he'd call himself 'unhappy' however. He was a mixed cascade of emotion.

Sebastian was rolling his eyes. "Sure, K. I believe you."

Kurt turned to look at his Father. "Can we go to the bakery? The one that we just passed by? The little one?"

Kurt saw Burt nod his head. "Yeah, kiddo. Whatever you want. You been there before?"

Kurt shook his head. "It was just something that caught my eye I suppose?" he offered a weak smile. Burt did not say anything to that. Kurt wondered how Sebastian could have such a strong grip on Kurt's thoughts.

They ended up going to that little bakery. It actually looked cute from the outside. The name was something French-related, but of course. Kurt rolled his eyes. He'd been to too many 'French' type bakeries that he didn't know what to think of this one.

He stepped inside, thinking that he was not going to be faced with much, but he was, and his heart gave away when he realised what Sebastian had done. He'd practically sent him into his Mother's bakery.

Near the counter, there was Mrs Smythe standing there, with a notebook in her hand and writing. She didn't seem to notice anyone come in at the moment, just engrossed in whatever she was writing.

Kurt turned to shoot a glare at Sebastian, not really caring if his Father was there. However, Sebastian himself didn't seem to notice Kurt's existence. He seemed to be staring at his Mother, completely astounded by her own existence that he couldn't have possibly hated Sebastian for taking him here.

"Kurt!" the woman seemed to have noticed him standing there. "That is your name, right?"

"Yes," Kurt nodded his head. "It is."

"You know her?" Burt seemed surprised, but he shrugged. "I thought you've not been in this bakery before."

"Oh no, he hasn't," Nathalie insisted, shaking her head. "I suppose this is coincidentally by chance, or something or rather along those tangents. I was meaning to call your son anyway. He's been really helping me with my son's suicide these past few weeks and I couldn't have asked for a better support system. My husband's always incredibly busy so to speak."

Kurt wanted to digress that thought, noticing that every time he'd gone to Jean, he seemed to not be doing anything but rather sitting by the fireplace and yearning for Sebastian to come back to life. He seemed to always be nursing some sort of liquor.

He wanted to say something but ultimately, he didn't. He didn't deny the fact that he'd helped Nathalie – even if it was just a few texts here and there. He didn't really spend a lot of time talking to her. It crushed him to think he was one of her bigger support systems because he didn't really help her much.

"Honestly, for some reason," Nathalie began, sounding a lot more optimistic than she did in the past few weeks. He did not know why it happened. He could see there was the sorrow behind her eyes, but he could not deny the fact that she refused to let it change her tone of voice. "I feel closer to Sebastian when I talk to Kurt. Perhaps it's the fact they look alike, or something or rather, but it's just…I can slightly feel his presence when I talk to Kurt. It sounds silly. I shouldn't believe in paranormal things but... I suppose that it's just the way it is."

"Holy fuck," Sebastian seemed surprised at that. "She can _sense_ me?"

Apparently. Kurt was surprised at that as well. He supposed he couldn't put it past her. Somehow, when Sebastian realised this, he was grinning wildly. He'd ran towards her, throwing himself in the air and floating just above her. He was incredibly close to her.

She seemed to smile again. She looked comforted in some sort of way. Sebastian sat down by her counter, and looked back at her. He looked happy too, because she seemed to be feeling better with his presence around.

Burt didn't seem to understand that bit. He just looked at Kurt with that eyebrow raise that the younger male knew so well. _Is everyone you know nuts? _The same eyebrow raise was offered to Kurt when he'd brought Rachel over to dinner.

"Kurt, Kurt, Kurt!" Sebastian tried to bring Kurt's attention to him, not that it really ever wavered from him. "Look. She can _sense_ me."

He looked so gleeful that Kurt couldn't help but feel a burst of euphoria in his chest.

Sebastian was still grinning, and his grin was a borderline smirk. Kurt supposed that smirking was just something Sebastian was so used to doing he didn't even realise he was doing it anymore. "This is fucking _brilliant_, you know? I can make her happy even when I'm fucking six feet under."

Sebastian was rubbing his neck. "Well, I'm not actually buried yet so…"

"Oh," she turned to look over at her notebook. "I was thinking that maybe we should write letters to him. That's just my idea. I managed to get a few of them."

"Great," Sebastian huffed. "More spiritual crap. Also, I can't hold real life objects so that makes me feel better. Well, yet. I think I moved a pencil yesterday."

Kurt wanted to scoff. He didn't move the pencil yesterday, but he didn't mention that to Sebastian. Wind did.

"And the funeral," Nathalie called out. "You asked me to talk to your Spanish teacher. We are going to do it precisely a week from now. I've just not talked to Jean about it."

Kurt slowly nodded his head. "Your relationship seems strained," he stated.

"It is," Nathalie nodded his head, shaking her head. "It's beyond strained. Honestly, I preferred you coming to talk to me than him. He'd have gone into a huge paragraph long introduction about it and I didn't need that. You were straight to the point. I needed that."

Burt found that strange from the way he cocked his head.

"Now, shoving all that aside," Nathalie's tone had now changed with discussing Sebastian. She sounded sad, but there was still that smile on her face, that one that Sebastian seemed to be able to read and was smiling on about. "Let me get you a cupcake, Kurt."

Kurt was smiling weakly but then he asked, "Is that what Sebastian eats?"

"Yeah," the taller male said, his breathing quicker with the thought. "That's what I eat. Cupcakes. My favourites are the ones with maple syrup in them and cinnamon, crowned with the chocolate shit. I love that. I fucking love that."

"Oh yes," Nathalie murmured. "He doesn't like most cake. It's cupcakes he likes so much. I make them extra big, and he likes them extra soft…"

She paused for a moment, frowning. "He _liked_ them I mean."

Burt looked over at Kurt, not sure what to do. He was never good at these kind of situations.

Nathalie's eyes were glittering again, the sign of her being close to tears. "I miss him, Kurt, do you know that? I miss him very much."

Sebastian looked incredibly deflated again, and he frowned. "Well, get over it. I'm not coming back," he hissed. He didn't want to see people grieving over him, but he also did not want to see people not care about him either.

That was something that Sebastian had told Kurt before—that he didn't want people to care when he was lunging for them to care at the same time. This was just another display of it. He hated it but it was what it was. Kurt could understand it even more now, seeing Nathalie.

Sebastian didn't kill himself out of nothing. He didn't kill himself because he was completely supported and felt loved at all times. However, he didn't kill himself because he didn't think anyone would care. It was his fault and their fault simultaneously. Sebastian's pride…

It had changed now. When Kurt had met ghostly Sebastian for the first time, he was so desperate that other people wouldn't figure out it was a suicide attempt. Right now, he just didn't want all of him to be exposed.

"Anyway," she turned to offer him the cupcake. Burt had immediately paid for it, apparently looking like he was insanely awkward around her. "Do take care of yourself, okay, Kurt?"

Kurt slowly nodded his head. "I will," and with that, he turned to motion for him and Burt to leave. "See you, Mrs Smythe."

Kurt tried to pretend as if he didn't see Sebastian frown when he realised they were leaving.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	8. Pause

Chapter Eight

_Pause_

* * *

Burt had taken Kurt out to shop. Kurt hadn't bought a thing for the first time in…ever actually now that he thought about it. The colours looked bleak and everything looked bland.

The cupcake was amazing – the one that Nathalie had given him.

Burt's worry had intensified throughout the day it seemed. When he took Kurt to his favourite places and he didn't seem to respond to it, the man knew something was up. Kurt had always responded to them. He'd always gone from being stressed or unhappy or angry to melting into a cool calmness when he was around his clothing.

"What about that?" Burt was apparently trying to point at any article of clothing he could imagine Kurt wearing.

Kurt shook his head. "It's expensive," which was his response to anything that Burt pointed at right now. That particular piece was actually incredibly expensive, but Burt didn't seem to care.

"Well, considering you bought a total of zero items, kiddo…"

The man looked down and then looked back up at Kurt. "What's up, Kurt? What's going on?"

"Tell him," the last time that Sebastian had instructed Kurt to spill out his emotions – it ended up in heartbreak. Suddenly, the statement itself was causing Kurt's blood to boil. "Tell him, Hummel. You know you should."

"Nothing," Kurt immediately stated back. "I think I might like that actually."

"Yeah?" Burt asked, picking up the piece that had caught his eyes. It was gold in colour, something that would catch anyone's eyes, and if it caught anyone's eyes, it was good enough for Kurt Hummel to wear.

Kurt was quick to grab the article. He was always surprised whenever Burt somehow always remembered what size he wore – in both male and female sections. He was not going to parade around in a pink, fluffy dress anytime soon but as he'd said before: _fashion had no gender_.

In the dressing room, he'd put the piece aside, not planning on wearing it at all.

"Haven't you done _enough_?" Kurt said, whispering, hissing.

"K, you've gotta tell someone," Sebastian immediately said, his eyes wide. "'Cause you don't know how this depression crap can ruin your fucking mind. You're in the water, drowning, K. Lunge for breath, because it isn't going to get any easier. You're just going to get more and more tired and you can't give up, okay? You can't."

Kurt glared at him. "Nice advice from the guy whom shot himself," his voice was cold, and low, and he was shooting daggers towards Sebastian.

Sebastian looked down. "Tell them." He suddenly said.

"No," Kurt's voice was high.

"Tell them about me then," Sebastian looked back at Kurt, eyes holding an emotion that Kurt couldn't read. "Tell them why I fucking offed myself. Give them my suicide notes. Give them pictures. Give them everything, but please, K, fucking tell someone about what's going on in your head."

Kurt was not expecting that truth be told. "Fine," he announced. "But no more complaining about it."

"Deal," Sebastian was quick to say, biting down his lower lip. "Fuck it, K. You don't want to end up like me, do you?"

"An insufferable asshole?" Kurt huffed. "I guess not."

"What's taking so long in there, kiddo?" he heard Burt call out, and Kurt looked back the piece, wondering if he should try it on or not. He did quickly take off his shirt and try it on just to greet Burt outside with, whom probably wanted to see how Kurt looked in it.

"No," Sebastian snorted. "Hummel, you're never gonna be an asshole. That's just who I am. I'm an ass."

"Then what can you possibly mean by me not ending up like you?" Kurt kept on whispering, as he turned to open the door. He opened it up, and saw Burt standing there, lapping up Kurt's current look.

"No, K," Sebastian laughed, and the way he laughed made Kurt feel close to vomiting. "I'm talking about you ending up _dead_."

Kurt's heart stopped. He wanted to yell back. He would never have killed himself, but he supposed that seeing Sebastian and his persona, he bet the tall brown-haired male had thought the same thing. However, Kurt was so certain not.

He then remembered the last few nights, how okay he was with getting hit by a car or a truck on his way to school—how much he nearly wanted it. If anyone asked him a few weeks later, he'd say that he'd never think of such things.

However, he was. Sebastian might be right. However, Kurt was certain he was not depressed.

"Looks good," the man huffed, as if to encourage Kurt to buy it. "What do you think?"

Kurt looked back at the mirror, staring at himself with the piece. He shook his head. "I loathe it," he took off the shirt, and wore his own in a few seconds' time. "We should just go."

Burt didn't look happy with that response. They did leave, and Burt did walk closer to him. Kurt could tell that the man wanted to ask Kurt again if he was fine.

"_Kurt, please_," he heard Sebastian beg. "Fuck it. Don't be like me, okay? Don't be like me. Don't keep it all in, because it's gonna spill. And it's going to fall and it's going to break. _Kurt_."

Somehow, the thought of Sebastian begging him to tell Kurt had softened his heart a bit. He'd turned to see the brown-haired boy's facial expression – incredibly deadpanned and frightened.

Kurt and Burt had left to go back to the car. He wondered if he should take the plunge. He wondered what Burt was to do with that information. He wondered if this meant he had to tell Finn or Carole.

If there was just a marginal chance that he was depressed, he did not want Finn to know because if Finn knew, Puck knew and if Puck knew, somehow, Rachel would know and if Rachel knew, the whole Glee club would know. Soon enough, the whole school would know.

Then he'd be walking down supermarkets, having people stare at him and gawk at him, just like how it happened when he first told Mercedes he was gay. It somehow spiralled, then everyone knew. Some people still had their doubts even when he paraded around in flamboyant clothing.

In the car, things seemed somber and silent.

"Do it," Sebastian was calling out. "Do it." He kept on encouraging him.

Kurt took the plunge. He didn't know what it meant but he honestly just hoped that he would not regret it. He started off with the first topic that came to his mind. "Don't you have any work today?"

Burt just looked back at Kurt and offered him a smile. "Had John take over."

"Don't you hate John?" Kurt remembered, raising an eyebrow. "In fact, isn't it you whom just told me that you'd rather combust yourself than let John handle your shop for about fifteen minutes?"

Burt laughed, and then nodded his head. "Yeah, but I'd rather make sure you were okay than be worrying about that damn shop anyway, you know? I work in that place just to get us money for us to survive and all that crap. Family first. You know that."

Kurt slowly nodded his head. He was not sure if that statement made him more hesitant or less hesitant in telling Burt the thoughts that were in his mind. "I think I might be depressed. Clinically depressed."

"You _are_ clinically depressed, Hummel. Stop lying to yourself," Sebastian decided to say, rolling his eyes.

Burt looked at Kurt for a while, looking dejected. "I don't get it, kiddo. What's wrong that you're feeling depressed?"

"I don't know," Kurt honestly stated. He'd juggled far more before without feeling the least bit disconsolate. However, now, he couldn't handle the smallest emotion without wanting to throw himself off a building. "I don't think it's dependent on what you went through. I think you just wind up depressed just like you wind up sick with anything else."

"Oh," Burt said, nodding his head slowly. "I'm sorry, kid. That sucks."

"Yeah," Kurt said in a low whisper.

Burt looked confused at what to do. "How can we fix it, K? Should I call a doctor? I'm gonna call a doctor when we go home. How does that sound? I mean…I don't know."

"Yes, fuck yes," Sebastian spat out, looking erratic. "Call a fucking doctor. Get him a therapist. Put him on antidepressants. I don't care. Just help him."

Kurt didn't say anything else.

When they were back home, Kurt saw that Finn had invited Rachel over for they were quite disturbing smacking lips with one another for lack of better words. He just stared at them for a while, somehow hoping his glare would cause them to dissociate from one another.

"Want to give me a kiss, Hummel?" Sebastian asked, laughing. Kurt instantly blushed. Now, Sebastian had installed an image of them making out – which to be honest, Kurt couldn't imagine happening.

Whilst he could still feel Sebastian and hold, in the end, Sebastian was _dead_. There were no manuals for 'Top Ten Things Not To Do When You're in a Relationship with a Ghost'—besides, he did not know if he even liked Sebastian in that way. It definitely kept on coming back up every few times. His closeness with Sebastian had left a lot for Kurt to speculate in the past few days.

He floated towards them. He paused for a few moments in mid-air, and winked over at Kurt before he'd ran his hand straight down Finn's back, making him jolt up.

"Finn!" Rachel exclaimed, as the black-haired male flushed deeply.

Sebastian was just laughing as he turned over. His hair was sticking out from underneath his black beanie, and he seemed to look younger for some strange reason.

"How's the happy couple doing?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rachel sighed deeply. "Where were you today?" she sounded acerbic, and Kurt had a feeling it was for a beyond stupid reason. "We were practically the first song we're going to do for Sectionals and you weren't there so you're not getting a part in the first song or so Mr Schue said."

"What?" Kurt's voice was high, his eyes were wide. "That's _unfair_!"

It wasn't that he got lead parts, but however, he supposed he'd get _some_ sort of a part even if he wasn't there. Really. There were what? Ten of them? Eleven? He didn't know—and Mr Schue needed him for a part that he was not going to be recognised in? That was bullshit.

He was annoyed and his blood was boiling. He'd never skipped Glee before, but he'd been doing it so frequently now. He wouldn't give anyone time for them to corner him. He'd even somehow managed to avoid bullies…apparently, it was a lot easier when he wasn't wearing flashy clothing.

"And _what_ are you wearing?" she shrieked, placing a hand on his shirt. "You don't look like yourself, Kurt."

Kurt honestly wished that looks could burn, because if that was the case, Rachel Berry would've combusted by now. "Will you and the Glee club somehow ignore the fact that I'm not wearing seven layers of brightly coloured clothing anymore? Will you? Because I'm annoyed and I'm upset and I hate all of you."

He turned to leave, hoping that impacted her enough. His rage had so quickly turned to just pure angst, and he found tears filling his eyes.

"Kurt?" Rachel had noticed the tears quickly.

"Dude, are you okay?" Finn tentatively decided to insert himself in this conversation.

When they inched forward, Kurt was quick to turn backwards and let out a sob. "Leave me alone," Kurt hissed, shaking his head. _"Just leave me alone!"_

He'd practically ran up to his room to get away from people. He'd never realised just how infuriated and humiliated he was until he was alone. His heart was pounding and he'd felt so sick.

Sebastian was floating beside him, looking like he didn't know what in fuck's name he was supposed to do.

"I need to hurt myself," Kurt suddenly sounded out and turned to move but Sebastian seemed to drive Kurt back towards the wall.

"No, no, trust me," Sebastian spat out. "You don't want to."

Kurt couldn't stop thinking about it – about hurting himself. He just needed to throw himself off a window, or down a cliff. He didn't know how to contain himself.

"Kurt, it'll pass. I fucking swear," Sebastian insisted, shaking his head. "Don't cut. You'll regret it immediately afterwards. Plus, if you start, you'll never fucking stop. Trust me. It's a life-long bloody addiction."

_"Let go of me!"_ Kurt cried out, tears running down his face faster. He'd never been in so much pain before. Everything was spinning and he was starting to feel nauseous even.

He shoved Sebastian backwards. He just snorted, laughing. "Your body is a matchstick. You're so easy to move. You might want to think of putting on some ghostly weight if you want to stop me."

"Fuck off," Sebastian spat out. "I'm done trying to help you. You don't want me around? Fucking fine."

Sebastian disappeared soon afterwards and Kurt's urge for hurting himself somehow increased, but then again, so did his guilt. In fact, the guilt was swallowing him up. He couldn't do anything but collapse on his bed.

He somehow fell asleep and when he woke up, he saw Sebastian was sitting down on the bed beside him. He had a bar of white chocolate in his hand.

Kurt raised an eyebrow as he turned to his side. "Does that actually taste like white chocolate?"

"No," Sebastian murmured. "I've never had white chocolate and I suck at developing new ghostly powers so it's not like I can move a pencil or anything. I can't experience new shit, like tasting white chocolate."

Kurt slowly nodded to himself. He'd calmed down for the most bit, and he felt comforted with his warm bed. The warmth was a comfort that Sebastian couldn't have given him.

Sebastian decided to speak again. "You're feeling better, huh?"

"Yeah," Kurt didn't know how that happened. He was confused and frightened of himself. "I was out of control."

Sebastian snorted. "Happens." He said. "I was there, you know, even when you thought I wasn't. Fuck it, K. I'm not going to let you make not one single cut, you get that? Never."

Kurt had been honestly shocked that he'd even thought of cutting himself. Now, with his calmness, he could only imagine the regret he'd feel afterwards. Sebastian was right. He would regret the action ultimately.

"So, are you going to admit I'm right or _what_?" Sebastian waited, noticing Kurt's silence.

Kurt snorted. "You're right," he said. "But don't take this as in 'I am always right and you are always wrong' situation because that is my flaw."

Kurt stood up for a few moments, rubbing his neck. "I feel guilty for making you have to see that…and making you try to stop me for cutting myself to ribbons. I must thank you for that. Honestly, I could see now that if I would've cut myself a few hours ago, I would be in deep sorrow at the moment."

Sebastian smiled weakly. "Anytime, Hummel," he said, and then shook his head. "I know. Trust me, I know."

Kurt slowly nodded his head, and then suddenly asked, "Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

"Killing yourself," Kurt suddenly stated, watching Sebastian's expression change.

"Yeah, K," Sebastian honestly said, and now, he looked miserable again. He looked like he really did regret it – Kurt had always assumed that Sebastian had never regretted it, not for a moment. "Always. You know when I regret it the most? When I walk into my house again and I'm so tired and just want to sit with my Dad and watch TV. I mean, I technically still do that, but instead, he's just watching old annoying drama movies and he ends up crying by the end of it, but it's not because of the shitty acting but because I'm not there. But I am. And I just want to move over and tell him: I'm here. Grow up. I'm not going anywhere. But I fucking _can't_."

Kurt remembered them leaving the bakery, how Sebastian looked so desperate to stay. "Couldn't you just show yourself to them? Talk to them?"

"It's not that easy, K," Sebastian shook his head. "I'm not that strong. It's _hard_. It's _so hard_ to show myself to anyone – including you. This is just too much for me."

Kurt honestly thought that if Sebastian could, he would but he just thought of mentioning it again just in case. Perhaps, there was another way that the ghost had figured out.

Sebastian looked over at Kurt for some time. "I'm gonna go now."

"Why?" Kurt asked, his eyes wide and wild.

"Being in this world and talking to you? Like I said, I'm in a lot of pain. I'm going to go back to the ghost town and stay there for a while. I'm so tired, K, you have no fucking clue. I feel so sick," Sebastian looked honest and shook his head. "You know I'm a wimp when I'm sick? I act like I'm going to die all over again. Huh." He chuckled at his little stupid joke.

"When am I going to see you again?" Kurt suddenly asked, but he had a feeling he wasn't going to get a response.

"I don't really know," Sebastian frowned. "There isn't no fucking manual for this kind of shit." He smiled wildly at Kurt.

"Wait!" Kurt exclaimed, just as Sebastian was starting to fade away, slowly but surely. "How can I contact you? If…"

"Don't worry about it," Sebastian snorted, rolling his eyes at Kurt's dramatic response. "I'll come back, Hummel. I'm haunting you for the rest of your shitty life."

Kurt laughed weakly at Sebastian's lame joke, as he watched him disappear. Kurt immediately felt empty. Just as that happened, Kurt saw Sebastian reappear again.

"And one more thing," the green-eyed ghost began with. "You better be shoving dinner and lunch and breakfast down your throat unless you want to qualify for a fucking anatomy skeleton. I'm not around to remind you to eat your shitty oats thing for breakfast, so you better remember, okay?"

Kurt slowly but surely nodded his head. "Fine," he said. "Are you leaving for real now?" he was joking, but he didn't want Sebastian to leave.

Sebastian nodded his head. "Yeah. See you around, K."

And with that, Sebastian just disappeared and Kurt felt low again. He honestly took Sebastian's advice again – seeing Sebastian so dissatisfied with what had become of his body, the somber look in his eyes. Kurt wouldn't lie. Sebastian looked horrible.

Though Kurt would _never_ confirm it to Sebastian, the green-eyed ghost looked sick. He looked like he was on the verge of death even if he hadn't killed himself – what with his grey pallor, and his various protruding bones at horrific angles. Sure, with clothes, he looked fine but holding him gave Kurt multiple heart attacks.

There was nothing comforting about holding Sebastian. He was cold, skeletal and he smelled like blood. More often than not, Kurt always wondered how hugging the actual Sebastian would feel like. The Sebastian that was alive.

It was hard for Kurt to think that he used to hate Sebastian. It felt foreign to him. He still often wondered about what would've happened if he made an effort to dig into Sebastian's life a bit and realise how unhappy he was.

Looking at Sebastian's frame that day, with how skeletal he looked, how miserable _and how many cuts decorated his body holy fuck_, he found it hard to believe that Sebastian could parade around with his demons without anyone realising it.

Kurt's sudden distance was immediately picked up by people around him, his colder and much harsher attitude. In fact, he distanced himself from people so often. He didn't want them to ask him why he was wearing what he was wearing, or what was wrong with him. He wanted them to act as if nothing had changed and approach him just like he'd always approached him.

Maybe the fact that Sebastian was never questioned for his persona had made him able to keep up with the charade. Kurt couldn't imagine having to bottle up all these conflicting, negative emotions in him. It scared him, to think that at an interval of time, Sebastian had felt the exact same things.

Sebastian had felt the need to hurt himself, and he did – until it was a spiraling addiction just like he told Kurt it was.

He had to use this break from Sebastian to re-establish himself, to pick himself up, to do something. He couldn't stay this miserable and unproductive. His homework was untouched and his NYADA application was the last thing on his mind. Things that seemed to matter so much seemed to be pushed back.

He took a deep breath and went downstairs for dinner.

Finn had picked up rather quickly and didn't ask Kurt how he felt though with how shifty his eyes were, Kurt knew he was wondering what had happened.

Rachel was staying over for dinner. She had somehow changed from when he'd seen her to now, and was wearing a pink dress that was just so childish that Kurt had honestly believed she'd found it in the children's section.

Kurt ate many servings of lasagna and then treated himself to red velvet brownies by the end of it, which were nicely iced. When someone made a joke, he laughed even if it was fake. It somehow was enough to convince others that he was okay. He tried to push the feeling of annoyance that came with people believing his charade of "I'm fine" because he wasn't.

"Hey, kiddo," Burt suddenly called out. "I did talk to John, you know? For some advice."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you explicitly believe that John's advice is akin to advice given to you by a pile of rocks?"

"Yeah, but you know, had to start somewhere," Burt seemed desperate. He darted his eyes over to Carole. "And I talked to Carole too. She mentioned that Christopher had PTSD from all the army stuff, so…yeah. I got a therapist hooked on your case. She's pretty nice from what I know."

"Kurt needs a shrink?" Finn sounded out, practically squeaking. Rachel had raised her eyebrow.

"Yeah," Burt had decided to respond before Kurt could say that 'he was just experiencing some weird feelings that he didn't want to discuss'. "Kurt's not feeling well, okay? I think he's depressed and he needs a psych."

"Of course Kurt's depressed," Rachel insisted. "He hasn't been singing. I think him skipping Glee—"

"I don't feel depressed because I skip Glee," Kurt hissed, his eyes cold. "I skipped Glee because I am depressed." He was feeling anger boil in his blood already.

Rachel seemed silent now.

Kurt didn't diverge his eyesight from her. "Want to add more to it, Rachel? Want to psychoanalyse me when you don't know a thing about what I'm feeling? When you're not in my head? It's not nice for someone to make assumptions about you when you have no idea what I'm going through."

"And what is it that you're going through, Kurt?" Rachel spat out, getting angry herself. "College stress? We're there too. Is it the break-up? We've been there—"

_"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"_ Kurt exclaimed, his voice high. There were more tears forming but he pushed them back. He hated the fact that he cried so easily now. His heart was pounding. "_I hate you, you little senile bitch_."

Finn seemed shocked. Burt was about to open his mouth to say something, but Kurt had cut him off.

"For the past few weeks, all I've ever wanted to do was throw myself in front of a car so don't tell me you've been there because you don't understand. I've been daydreaming about being kidnapped or hurt, or murdered because I cannot deal with life and I don't even know why I can't deal with anything. I've lost pleasure in every single thing that used to make me happy. That's why I've not been going to Glee. That's why I've not been wearing my normal clothing because it is so difficult to wake up in the morning now and I've no idea as to why. Don't tell me you're under what I'm under because you wouldn't be yelling at me for 'being there'. Understand, Rachel? _Understand_?" Kurt snapped, his throat hurting him. It was enclosing on him.

He was so tired of crying that he pushed back any tears that were forming. "Asking me why I'm depressed is like asking a person why they got cancer. I didn't ask to be miserable. I'm not whining about nothing. I am genuinely frightened about what I could do to myself left by my own devices. I was going to cut myself a few hours ago because I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn't handle it. So don't tell me that you understand. Because you don't. Nobody does."

Rachel looked frightened, and then her facial expression softened. Finn just stared at Kurt, agape. Burt looked disturbed. Carole, whom had been silent and speechless throughout the conversation, leaned over to place a hand on Kurt's shoulder.

Whilst the current 'normal' would have Kurt flinching away from anyone's touch, he didn't this time. He just shook.

Carole took it as a sign to stand up and envelope him. It was so nice to be held, and embraced. Burt stood up and joined in. This also made Finn and Rachel awkwardly stand up and hug him. It was a weird experience being hugged by four people at once.

Just as Kurt had taken in a breath, he'd felt Rachel's cheek caressing his shoulder. She'd been crying too. He laughed at that, but the laugh came out bitter and sad. He was bitter and sad.

"Come to Glee tomorrow," Rachel choked out. "Please, Kurt. We need you." her tone had changed completely.

Kurt shut his eyes, not sure how to respond so he responded the only way he knew how to at that moment. "Okay."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	9. Push

_this chapter is a little shorter than what i usually do, but this is only due to the fact that i'm so busy with finals coming up in nine or so weeks and i've to do many, many lectures. i would love to update but i just don't find the time to with the intense studying that i must do! _

* * *

Chapter Nine

_Push_

* * *

Kurt had woken up, feeling better even though Sebastian wasn't there. The confession he'd given to Rachel and his family last night really made him feel a lot lighter, as if he wasn't carrying the weight of the whole universe on his shoulders.

That morning, even with Sebastian not around, he felt exceptionally better. He'd not thought that he'd feel any positive emotion without him around.

He'd stopped doubting whether Sebastian was real or not now. He was in fact very real.

He opened up his phone to look over at the calendar. He'd not been paying much attention to it these days but they were nearing December and thus, nearing Christmas. He simply hoped that Sebastian would be back before Christmas time came around.

He thought of how the green-eyed boy celebrated Christmas. He'd perhaps bring it up with Nathalie once or twice. She apparently took any moment in time to speak about Sebastian. It really made him feel like Sebastian was dead and never returning when he talked to her through text.

Today, she asked him if he wanted any lunch with her because they were going to go over Sebastian's funeral arrangements.

He did feel odd about seeing the whole Glee club again and Blaine. Blaine was perhaps the worst. He didn't want to avoid them however, and he was determined to go on with the day.

He tried to care about what he wore today, but in all honesty, he didn't. His ensemble was a mixture of new depressed Kurt and old fashionable, happy Kurt. He'd worn a nice pair of pants and boots. He had an oversized hoodie on top he could hide in.

He didn't completely look like himself but he was nearly there. He had no energy to wear a bunch of layers, or the patience to tug at different parts of his clothing and fix his shirt all the time.

One thing Kurt didn't realise was how many hoodies he had. Most of them were what he called "stay at home" type ones. He didn't think there were that many, but he had as many as he had vests, and he had quite a lot of vests.

He turned to leave, looking over at the mirror one more time and decided he liked how he looked like. Somehow, he still looked polished with his dark skinny jeans and black boots combination. The hoodie was a bright red that seemed to fit in perfectly. Yes. He liked it.

He paused and decided to make it a bit more Kurt. He'd taken out a huge white scarf and wrapped it around himself and turned to look. No. He'd go with either gold or blue. He'd decided on blue. A very rich coloured blue that complimented the rest of his clothing.

Now, he looked a lot more like himself. Kurt missed himself. He honestly didn't know how he bothered with obsessing over clothing every single day. He hadn't sung in weeks and it hadn't even entered his mind. He didn't think he missed it.

He'd left to go to school with Finn, whom was silent during the whole car ride and had a Wicked song playing that made Kurt smile very weakly.

His classes were fine, albeit more so boring than usual. He didn't know if they were actually boring or if it was because he kept on daydreaming about Sebastian and wondering how the ghost town that he went to was like. He'd still written his notes and was on track. A few tests that was given back to him told him that his grades did not suffer due to the presence of Sebastian.

He wondered how Sebastian's grades were like. He would discuss it with Nathalie when he came to her today for lunch. He said that he had to attend Glee first, and that she might want to snack or something as there was a high chance he'd be late.

He found himself dreading Glee more and more, simply because he was dreading seeing Blaine after the break-up. There was something about it that made his anxiety run high. The day felt like it was slipping away from his hands. After his last class, he'd arranged his bag and decided that he'd probably need to take the huge Math textbook he had to do his homework.

He took Sebastian's phone in his hand and stared at it for a few moments. For some reason, he enjoyed changing the background picture every day. The one he had of Sebastian now was one where he was sitting along with Thomas, with the brightest smile on his face. Kurt was astounded at how highly photogenic Sebastian was.

He'd fallen in love with that particular picture. There was nothing that was special about it, not really. It was just picture of Sebastian smiling with his twin just beside him. He still was unable to tell the twins apart, but Sebastian always told him who was who in pictures—oh, and Thomas wore a lot of black. Sebastian himself did wear a lot of black so that last one didn't help him.

In fact, Kurt realised more often than not that Sebastian wore a lot more black than Thomas did.

He changed the background to a picture of Sebastian and Blaine. He still felt jealous, but for opposite reasons. He didn't like the thought of Sebastian knowing Blaine and liking Blaine, but it wasn't because he wanted to keep Blaine all to himself. Kurt didn't know what about it that he didn't like.

He felt like Sebastian nearly _belonged_ to him now, and that nobody else was allowed to have him.

With that thought in his mind, he'd left to go to Glee club. He was feeling his heart beat and his chest tighten just as he went into the choir room. It shocked him that he used to enjoy going there, that he was anticipating it so much that time felt like it was frozen on a day where Glee club was an extracurricular.

He'd paused at the doorway, and then took a deep breath and pushed in.

Mr Schue, whom had been talking, hadn't paused but his smile had widened – if that was possible. Kurt had trudged towards his usual place, just right next to Blaine. He could see Blaine's eyes, dark and hard, and he felt his heart sink in his chest.

Blaine hated him. He could tell.

Kurt wanted to snap at him too, but he didn't. He just stayed there. He spoke to Rachel mostly, and they discussed more information they learned off the NYADA website which Kurt usually stalked more diligently than her, but she had a lot to update him on. She showed him a few pictures as well. The campus was beautiful and he could truly see himself being there.

Kurt felt impatient. He wanted his letter now, telling him that he could audition and whatnot. He also somehow thought of the songs that Sebastian would tell him to do or the like, and found himself smiling instead of wondering where Sebastian was.

He honestly thought that the tall green-eyed ghost needed his rest. Ever since Sebastian had installed the idea that staying there made him hurt so much, Kurt had felt guilty for having him around the house for so much.

They did their normal 'your assignment for this week is to' style Glee meeting. Mr Schue wanted them to sing based on a word prompt, and the word prompts were "Fright", "Fight" and "Flight". Kurt couldn't resist rolling his eyes at the introduction that Mr Schue gave them – that it was a 'normal body response' and then he gave them a situation and they had to work out how they were to react.

It was related to college, of course. If they figured out that they weren't accepted.

"Where does angry and persistent fit in?" Rachel announced. "Like anyone would ever—"

"Fight," Kurt quickly answered. He thought of how he'd react if NYADA had rejected him. He had to think about it. He did not believe in applying theory to practice and believed he'd react completely differently if it was a true rejection.

Rachel looked excited. "I know just the song to start it off with."

Rachel stood up, of course to perform her daring solo. Kurt rolled his eyes. Blaine looked somber sitting where he did and Kurt looked at him every now and then, hoping for a response from the black-haired boy.

He listened to Rachel – she was as brilliant as always and as per usual, Kurt felt like he paled in comparison to Rachel's impeccable voice and talent.

After Rachel's solo, there was more chatter.

"Hey, guys," Mr Schue walked over to Blaine, Artie, Tina, Sam and co, looking at Sam directly in the eyes. "I know you're not graduating until next year…but you know, you can still participate obviously. Your friends are going to leave, and you can still figure out how you're going to respond when they're actually gone."

Blaine looked at Kurt, staring at him for a long time. Kurt was unable to read that expression, and then turned to Rachel.

"Oh," the black-haired girl began. "It's still not too late to sign up for that ballet class that I told you about, Kurt. I'm sure you'll love it and the good thing about it is that it's taught by this really good-looking guy. I think you'll appreciate it."

Kurt couldn't help but laugh. "How good-looking are we talking about?"

"He's just as hot as you are," Rachel jokingly responded.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Well, then, he must really lack the ability to be attractive." He joked back. He just shook his head. "Thanks, Rachel. I think I might just join you."

"It's good to have you back again," Rachel began to say, nodding her head. "I missed you."

Kurt didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't really say much. "Oh, and to update you guys on the funeral situation. I'm going to talk to Mrs Smythe tonight at lunch and she mentioned a few times in texts that she's going over the songs that she wants us to sing."

"That's great, Kurt. I'll see you tomorrow with them then, right?" Mr Schue asked.

Kurt nodded his head. "Yes."

He met with Nathalie Smythe at around three pm and he realised how bad he felt when he saw her. He honestly didn't want to see her when Sebastian wasn't around as seeing her usually made him so happy.

She looked at him as if there was something strange about him.

Kurt recognised it immediately. "Can you not feel Sebastian's presence anymore?"

"Not today," Nathalie frowned. "I can't feel him around us unfortunately. Thanks for understanding, Kurt. You look like you genuinely understand what I'm talking about."

"I feel it too," Kurt insisted, offering her a very weak smile.

Nathalie pulled out a clipboard and offered it to Kurt. "Here," she said. "These are all the songs I have thought represented Sebastian perfectly."

Kurt looked over at the list. It took him about five minutes to scan through before he shook his head. "No."

"No?" Nathalie seemed confused.

"No," Kurt shook his head. "This isn't Sebastian at all. He wouldn't…" he paused. "Maybe we should do this bit by bit, song by song, alright?"

Nathalie nodded her head. "Okay," she didn't question him.

Kurt shut his eyes. "One that comes to remind, a song that reminds me of Sebastian," he said. "Two. Two by Passenger. One of them is Let Her Go and the other one is The Wrong Direction. They both fit…well, Let _Him_ Go technically. The Glee club and I will customise it for the occasion. In all honesty, those two are such powerful songs that you don't really need anything but them. The Wrong Direction would be first, and then the other one."

"I've never heard of those," Nathalie honestly said. "Do you have them so I can listen to them?"

Kurt was quick to whip out his iPhone, and his headphones as well. He'd offered her the headphones and scurried over for the music. He believed he saw the songs on Sebastian's phone as well, making him feel a little better about his decisions.

In fact, Kurt had only started to listen to them because he found them on Sebastian's phone. The rest of the thoughts seemed overly sexual and sounded just as that. They made Kurt blush and Sebastian laugh when he listened to them.

Sebastian's complete physicality and tone changed when Kurt listened to Passenger on his phone. He just sat there, and pressed his head on Kurt's shoulder, as if he was listening too. Kurt wondered if he was. If he could remember. Kurt would listen to the same two songs for hours – which was unheard of previously, but he felt like he had a very spiritual connection with Sebastian, something that couldn't be replaced by words or actions when he listened to those songs when Sebastian was around.

He felt like he was intruding their space by making Nathalie listen, but he also wanted her to listen so badly, to share this small bit of Sebastian in the sea of sexual music and singles that everyone seemed to listen to.

He'd seen Nathalie's facial expression immediately changed when he placed the first song, the same order he planned on playing them in the funeral. The Wrong Direction, and then Let Her Go.

"They're nice," Nathalie said, looking at him strangely. "But it's not Sebastian."

"That's where you're wrong," Kurt insisted, shaking his head. "This is exactly Sebastian, because I found it on his phone and that's where I've started to listen to them."

Kurt wondered if he should tell her about Sebastian, and his ghostliness. He had been debating about telling someone else for so long, and he had a feeling that nobody deserved to know but Sebastian's parents.

He remembered how Sebastian lit up when he saw his Mother.

"Mrs Smythe," Kurt looked up at her with soft eyes. "Do you believe in the supernatural?" he only saw a nod from her and then he asked, "Does your husband believe in the supernatural?"

She shook her head. "He doesn't believe in anything," she stated. "He believes that I believe in everything. I just wonder if it's a bad thing," she flashed by a red smile.

"He thinks that I keep on imagining that Sebastian's there with you," Nathalie suddenly stated. "And that if I speak more of it, he'd just throw me in the loony bin. He doesn't need me talking about Sebastian in that way he says. He's gone and he's not coming back, not as a ghost or a werewolf or a vampire or anything of that sort. They're going to bury him and I'm never going to see him."

Tears were filling her big green eyes. "It's just a fantasy," she said. "It's just a fantasy, but I want it to come true. I want to see him. I'm begging for an open casket but he doesn't want me to look at him at all but I want to. Even if it's gruesome, even if it's disgusting, I want to see him. He says that it's too messy and a lady shouldn't see such messes. I don't care, do you understand, Kurt? Do you understand why?"

Kurt nodded his head. "I understand, Mrs Smythe. I understand perfectly," he was biting down his lower lip.

He wanted to take the plunge, and say it now, say that Sebastian was a ghost floating around Kurt all the time, say that her "sensing" Sebastian was a real thing. It was true. He was there when she sensed him.

"Mrs Smythe," Kurt began, his voice low. He was going to do it. "What if I told you that Sebastian was a ghost, would you believe me?"

She nodded her head, and stared at him for some time.

Kurt went into explanation. "He found me, and I can _see_ him," now, he felt insane, as if he was just imagining things, but he swore he knew that he was right. "I talk to him sometimes, and I'm not being insane or the like. I can honestly…"

He paused, waiting to see Nathalie's reaction.

Kurt took a deep breath. "I know it's far-fetched and just hearing me say it now to someone, it sounds crazy but—"

"I believe you," Nathalie said, shaking her head. "I believe you."

Kurt was mildly surprised just how easily Nathalie believed him. He felt himself fixing up his cardigan, realising how cold it was. He turned around to fix his chair, but then realised he was staring down at Sebastian, whom was looking up at him.

"Can you try to make her see you?" Kurt whispered.

Sebastian stared at her for a while. "I can," he said. "I'm not in so much pain anymore. I took a real good break, but…fuck it, K. I'm so scared. I don't want to."

"For me," Kurt begged.

He felt like Sebastian was going to say no, but he just nodded his head. "Okay," the brunette stood up.

"Sebastian's here," Kurt said to Nathalie, though he was sure that she could sense him too. They were in her little kitchen. It took Kurt a few moments to note Sebastian changing his attire – covering himself completely. His hat to cover the wound, and the rest of his body to cover any cuts. "I'm telling him to show himself to you."

"It's alright, sweetie. It's okay," Nathalie said, her eyes filled with comfort. "Come to me."

Sebastian looked so much weaker and smaller when she said that. His eyes were filling in with tears, and he nodded his head. He looked like he was in a lot of physical pain now that Kurt had thought about it.

Sebastian moved towards Nathalie, slowly firstly, but then a bit quickly. He wrapped his arms around his Mother, sitting on her lap and curling up against her. He looked uncomfortable but he didn't really care. Kurt would know.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian suddenly spat out. "I'm sorry. Can't stay anymore. Hurts so much to stay."

"I know, honey, I know," Nathalie said. "I love you, you know? I love you."

"Thank you," Sebastian managed to choke out. He seemed to slither away from her grasp very quickly, walking over to the table to balance himself. He shut his eyes. "Hurts so bad, Kurt. Hurts as bad as going on a plane."

_That was how going on a plane was like?_ Kurt had thought to himself. He was shocked. Sebastian looked like he was in so much physical pain it actually made him feel sick.

Sebastian looked back at his Mother, tears in his green eyes. "Love you too, okay? Love you too."

"He says he loves you too," Kurt suddenly decided to say, and the woman's expression changed again. She nodded her head more so. Kurt felt like they were so insane for believing that Sebastian was a ghost, but he was so real, and so there.

"Does it get any easier?" Kurt whispered under his breath.

Sebastian nodded his head. "Yeah, yeah. Next time, maybe I can see her for a whole minute," he joked, shaking his head, grabbing the side of his stomach. "I can see you now nearly effortlessly. I don't have to…think about it."

Kurt felt happy hearing that. His heart gave away when Sebastian had started to pant, and had made himself a trash can to throw up in.

"No more," Sebastian said. "No more showing myself to other people. It's just going to make me sicker."

"How long are you staying sick?" Kurt whispered again.

Sebastian shook his head. "It doesn't go away from what other people told me. The more people I try to show myself to, the worse it'll get."

Kurt had just paled. Sebastian had never told him about getting _sick_ from it. Now, the thought of that was frightening him. What happened to sick ghosts?

"Don't worry, Hummel. I wouldn't get sick enough to disappear or stuff like that. That doesn't happen. What I will feel is a painful existence is all," Sebastian explained. "I can try…I can try again with my Mother. My parents, Hummel. Just my parents, but they'll be worth it."

Kurt felt bad. Sebastian had chosen to show himself to him, but he really should've done it with one of his parents. He felt horrible, like he was never meant to be graced with it.

"Thank you, Kurt," Nathalie suddenly said. "I feel…I feel like we're both insane for some reason, like we're both imagining him."

"I know," Kurt said. "But what if we are? It's at least better than holding onto nothing."

He stood up to leave. Sebastian followed him afterwards, floating ever so slowly behind Kurt. Kurt had wondered if Sebastian could try and sleep. He looked so tired.

That night, Kurt had gone to sleep and he woke up, sweating and shaking. He'd been dreaming of trains again.

He turned to see if Sebastian was around, before he heard very violent retching. He opened his lights and saw Sebastian sprawled on the ground, shaking his head.

"I need to go again, I'm sorry," Sebastian shook his head, looking honestly apologetic. "I'll be back in a few hours, okay? Just need…feel like I'm suffocating. Need some rest, okay? Need some rest."

"Okay," Kurt said, staring at Sebastian, and feeling his stomach bubble with sickness himself. He felt bad that he'd kept Sebastian around when Sebastian was so obviously sick. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

Sebastian nodded his head. "Okay." He paused. "You too." And with that, he disappeared.

Kurt turned to one side of his bed. He could not sleep for the rest of that night.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam _


End file.
